Conventions of those
wounded in love
— Whereas the saying "all is fair in love and war"
is absolutely correct.
— Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on
August 22, 1864, which provides for those wounded in the
battlefield, but until now no convention has been signed
concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number.
It is hereby
— All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being
a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable
and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone
planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their
body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall
not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk
is the same for both.
— Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they
should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the
opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known
as "unrequited love". Should Cupid refuse to perform
such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands
that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and
throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those
concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the
Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and
every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the
short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention
decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the
company of other people and try to control the obsessive
thought: "this person is worth fighting for".
— If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if
the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script
previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this
case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch
walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with
friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without
offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule
contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other
persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by
the other party.
— In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small
treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing
sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied
generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one
should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the
theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument
in a fight or in a moment of hatred.
— In all definitive wounds, also known as "breaking
up", the only medicine capable of having an effect is
called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from
fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will
return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending),
soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should
suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilisers and
praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a
maximum of two glasses of wine a day.
in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither
victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of
life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy
of their choice. And those who have never been wounded in love
will never be able to say: "I have lived". Because
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