Set in stone
A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had died. When the husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would Ďtake careí of all the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were three envelopes just like he said.
The first envelope it said Ďfor the casketí. There was $5,000 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.
The second envelope said Ďfor the expensesí and had $4,000 in it so she paid all bills from the funeral.
The third envelope said Ďfor the stoneí and had $3,000 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isnít it beautiful!"
Too good to part
Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agentís hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ... why do you ask?"
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... itís too good to part with!"
Cut to the quick
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"Iím ok but I didnít like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. Youíre just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. Heís a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "Thereís more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybodyís birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... Iím married to his widow."