Webside humour
The work not done
Sunil Sharma

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyjamas on, reading a book.

Illustration: Sandeep Joshi

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know, every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes,” was his reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn't do it!”

Wistful wish
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Pay for your mistakes

At a small zoo, visitors often ignored the many large signs that said, “Don’t feed the animals!”

The zookeeper did not want to impose fines so he tried a different approach.

He posted signs saying, “Feed the animals for only twenty dollars!” and suddenly no one wanted to.

So to say

 O’Reilly was in a bit of a fix. He was filling in an insurance form and was asked to state how his parents had died. His mother was not a problem, she had died of a coronary at the age of 71, but his father had been hanged for murder at the age of 46.

He did not want to say this, though, so after a bit of thought came up with a solution and filled in the form:

“My father died at the age of 46 when a platform collapsed at a public occasion.”

Age factor
A teacher said to her student, “William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?”

After a few moments, William answered, “It depends.”

“It depends on what?” she asked.

“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

Agree to disagree
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."