Webside humour
By Sunil Sharma

What’s cooking 

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

Illustration: Sandeep Joshi

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..." 

Sorrow story 

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually doesn't work, you know."

"No crap," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

Catty tales

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Sales pitch

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 

"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

An ear for happiness

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 per cent. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" 

Price of preaching

The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice."

Work wise

A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway."

Internet power

A teenager Nancy decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Her first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and she told her mom it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very sceptical until Nancy said, "its true, mom. Think of something to ask it." As Nancy sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, her mother thought for a minute, and then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"