A pizza delivery boy once called on a customer to deliver pizza. The man sent his seven-year-old son to pay the pizza delivery boy. As the kid approached the screen door, the delivery boy noticed that the child was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which he assumed was his tip.
To his dismay, the kid pocketed the dollars before handing him the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.
Trying not to sound accusatory, the delivery boy asked: “Could that have been a tip?”
“Yep,” the kid replied proudly. “Not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”
Sam was excited about his promotion as vice president at the company where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.
Finally, she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Sam said, “Can I please talk to the vice president of peas?”
The clerk replied, “Canned or frozen?”
A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”
There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but all the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”
Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”
Tired from waiting for their overdue first baby, a wife and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. The wife went inside to get seats while the husband bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby. Paying for the refreshments, he knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to the expected wife turned and said, “You’re not going to let him hold the baby, are you?”