A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at her.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled; everything else is either sagging or bloated. Iíve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, thereís nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The husband is in the hospital now with multiple fractures.
A teacher was taking a writing test of third-grade class students. One of the students asked her how to spell "piranha."
The teacher told him that she was unsure. To her delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
Thatís when she overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesnít know how to spell it anyway."
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started towards home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driverís windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnít make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .
"I think Iíll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Paul got a part time job at the post office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that Iím very pleased with the job you did today. Youíre one of the fastest workers weíve ever had."
"Thank you, Sir" said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow Iíll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Paul replied, "Tomorrow Iím going to read the addresses."
Amy: "Can people predict the future with cards"?
Joan: "My mother can".
Joan: "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home".