A very miser man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it at his friendís address, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
A man walks into a pub and, with a sorry look on his face, pleads to the barman: "Look, my wife has left me, Iíve been fired, Iíve just been mugged for all my money, and Iím desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"
"Of course," said the barman, "The door is behind you. Do you want to be pushed or carried?"
Little Sammyís kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the manís belt, "Um, mister, why didnít you keep them when you took their pictures?"
An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her studentsí written work. She wasnít sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "Whatís the matter, Mrs Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... "
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"Thatís right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"Iíve no idea.....but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."