Doctor: "Thatís a big slash cut on your head. How did that happen?"
Man : "My wife hit me with some tomatoes."
Doctor: "Thatís incredible, I canít imagine how any tomatoes would make a cut like that."
Man: "They were still in a can."
Thank you notes
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behaviour?"
"Oh, thatís easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didnít sign the cheques."
During the celebration of their 25th wedding anniversary the wife noticed a tear in her husbands eye.
"I never realised how sentimental you are," she said.
"Thatís not it," he sniffed.
"Remember when your father caught us in the barn, and he said if I didnít marry you heíd send me to jail for 25 years?"
"Well, today I would have been a free man."
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Letís have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Letís kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I donít see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
An eight-month pregnant woman, planning a trip overseas, was asked to obtain a letter of fitness from her family physician.
She arranged to pick it up at the doctorís office the next day.
She and her husband were both amused when they read, "This lady is pregnant and can fly!"
After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." The boyís mother replied, "Thatnice of her. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!"
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"