One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned Tim to the ground. When the thief went through Tim's pockets, all he could find on Tim was 25 cents. He was so surprised at this he asked why Tim had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the $500 I've got in my shoe!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment, he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking ministerís wife answered, "Yes dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs Jones has come to call in the meantime, and Iím sure you'll be glad to greet her."
A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store. In a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe!"
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons." "Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."
A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.