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Nothing but the truth The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS”. Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS”.
24-hour service Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: “Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service.” After explaining his needs, he said, “I’ll be back for my suit tomorrow.” “Won’t be ready until Saturday,” replied the proprietor. “But I thought you had 24-hour service,” the customer protested. “We do, son,” the proprietor said reproachfully. “But we only work eight hours a day. Today’s Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That’s 24-hour service.”
24 pigs A young lawyer, just out of law school, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. “Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box.”
Twins The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!” The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?” The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”
Tying tales There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her 6 year-old son and finds him sobbing. “What’s the matter?” she asks. “I’ve just figured out how to tie my shoes.” “Well, Honey, that’s wonderful.” Being a wise mother, she recognised his victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt: “You’re growing up, but why are you crying?” “Because,” he says, “now I’ll have to do it every day for the rest of my life.”
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An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.” “I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one it’s heck getting him to swallow the pill!”