An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months, you are going to forget everything I told you."
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
"I can’t thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he’d just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but - all twelve of you?"
A couple of opposing candidates fighting election against each other happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them only 50 paise and ask them to vote for YOU."
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the 10 rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought 10 rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got two leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
War and Peace
The teacher had just finished a dissertation on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you’re opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher asked, "Who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
Tony raised his hand.
"Tony?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Tony said, "Because wars make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorise it all."