"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Iíd like to welcome you aboard So-So Airline flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet going south of Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
" If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"Thatís me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
"I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said.
"Thatís right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks."
"Fine, I need a new garage door."
A midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. "One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."
"What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.
"When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When theyíre lying down, it means itís going to rain."
"On our bus trip," another visitor piped in, "I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does this mean?"
The farmer flashed a smile and answered, "That means half of them are wrong."
Short of words
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point ó he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasnít home.
"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I donít really know," he said. "Sheís been there eleven years now."
Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the s`E9ance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiterís outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I canít. Itís not my table.