No running away from dowry!

Hena Kumar Sukhna

TILL now I had considered myself undeniably lucky to be untouched by our nation’s favourite pastime: a big fat wedding. Family conferences concluded that as I had cleared the prestigious civil services examination, matches would just fall at my very delicate feet.

My mother excitedly called a distant relative relaying her the minutes of the meeting; the adorable relative on the other hand had only one question:  ‘Kitna lagaoge?’ My mother was dumbfounded. She reiterated rather aggressively that her daughter was sunder, susheel, not that fair, limited cooking experience (to be read as none)! Caste was no bar and dowry all bar. What more does a chap want! It turned out, a lot more. 

Why is it that society still does not view the girl and the boy with the same outlook? Is it because my male counterparts are putting in more work secretly in the office when I am not looking, or had a more difficult paper than what I cleared in college and UPSC? 

The ‘price tag’ demeans values, education, talent and, more so, the two individuals involved. This is the dark underbelly of the arranged marriage system. How is it that a boy is willing to spend his entire life with someone who just caters to that price range? Is he shallow, naïve or just plain greedy? 

In the Aranya Parva of the great epic of the Hindus, known as the Mahabharata, one of the 120 questions the Yaksha asks Yudhisthira is: ‘Kimsvin mitram grihesatah?’ (Who is the friend of a householder?) The prince answers: ‘Bhaaryaa mitram grihesatah’(The friend of a householder is his spouse). 

Not money but spouse. Marriages based on a monetary alliance cannot have friendship or respect as the core foundation. The Vedas proclaim that fulfilment in life comes when one accomplishes the four aspects of life — dharma, artha, kama and the release from bondage, moksha. How does a grihastha reconcile these contrary requirements? Says Yudhisthira: ‘Yada dharmasca bharyaca paraspara vashanugau/ tada dharmartha kamanam trayanamapi sangamah’ (When dharma and one’s wife are in harmony, dharma, artha and kama are reconciled).

If traditions are being considered, let’s be traditional in the real essence, let’s shed these puritan inhibitions and be true to ourselves first. As regards me, there was no question of meekly following my parents’ diktat in this respect: they were against such dogmatic attitude in the first place. 

I chastised myself for not being able to find a man myself. My poor family wouldn’t have had to suffer. Burdened with emotions of guilt, I set about receiving a call from the said relative. 

‘Do you perchance wear spectacles?’ ‘Oh yes, I do,’ I replied rather smugly. After all, it gives physical credit to all the hard work I had put in. The caller was disappointed. Myopia is not a disease, I cried out to the deaf audience! 

Will the real men, please stand up?