Forbidden terrain
By Belu Maheshwari

"IT was companionship which drove me towards her. We vibed well. Our families had known each other for more than 25 years but we developed a close bond recently. It is not as if I have deserted my wife or she is bad. But somewhere along the line drifted apart. We are happy (I and the other woman) and I do not care what the relationship is called," said a 50-plus man from a well-known family.

This admittance is not an exception to the supposed general rule of marital fidelity. In fact, extra marital ties are becoming more frequent, andmore brazen. The trend makes one wonder if fidelity, as the middle class understands it, is an outdated concept.

However, extra-marital affairs are not a modern-day happening or a MTV fallout only. They have been part of our folklore and mythology and many have became love legends. Monogamy, till about 50 years ago, was not a practised social custom. It is only after Independence that legislation banning polygamy was passed after much debate and dissent in Parliament. The women were then granted certain rights as equal citizens and as equal partners in marriage also.

The issue of fidelity-infidelity has gained prominence in the last decade of the century because women are breaking age-old barriers and opting for extra-marital relationships and, on the other hand, the betrayed wives are not willing to suffer silently. Moreover, the issue is being highlighted in movies, TV serials and some high-profile movers and shakers are setting lifestyles which are being accepted in social circles. At the Miss Femina-India contest, Sridevi, a judge, was addressed as Mrs. S. Kapoor though she is not a legally wedded wife.

According to the law, fidelity is being faithfully to your spouse. The dictionary defines it as honest or lasting support and loyalty. In terms of religious diktats, the marriage vows as sacred. They list infidelity as a sin. In fact, sexual infidelity is adultery, liable to punishment as per law. It is also religious blasphemy.

Then in spite of law and religion arraigned against infidelity, why is the phenomenon on the rise? The answer is not simple as a number of factors are at work. The freedom to decide, to be your own person has opened new vistas. This ethos of individuality means that people now declare, "I will chart my own course in life." Moreover, the break-up of the joint family, which acted as a pressure valve to let off steam and was an emotional anchor, has given rise to nuclear families where reactions and actions are quick and fast. There is also acceptance by society of couples who have strayed, as the present social more is to leave people to lead their own lives. Finally, opportunities of intermixing between the sexes have grown, at work places and social gatherings. Men and women are now regularly thrown together leading to forming bonds outside marriage.

As with any problem concerning human relationships, there are no simple answers or solutions. There are only viewpoints which leave many questions unanswered. The free-thinkers say infidelity is the expression of your incomplete self -- an escape route from what ails your marriage which is no more a holy cow. Do men who come drunk night after night to make their families’ life miserable deserve faithfulness? Or do they deserve loyalty when they use physical violence to crush a spouse and terrorise them into submission? There are others those who feel no responsibility towards the family. Don’t these people, who are tortured thus, deserve happiness?

According to a psychiatrist, "Can we really be judgmental where human relationships are concerned? With maturity comes the understanding that life is not just either black or white. There are many grey areas and those who have to traverse them can only decide how best to tread. When you are younger, you feel if two people do not click they should divorce. But life is not so simple. There may be various extraneous reasons for staying together, like children, family responsibility, economic necessity etc. But a person may also want some happiness for himself/herself. By not straying, how do they serve the cause of society better? I respect a patient’s husband who bore his family responsibilities stoically, never overlooking his wife’s needs, in spite of being fooled into a marriage with a schizophrenic. He found his happiness with a lovely woman who never pressurised him to desert his family."

There are cases in which due to perverse thinking a partner refuses to give a divorce. This despite the fact that the marriage has failed irrevocably. In such cases what should the partner do? Can morality help? Do they not deserve better?

Another view held by some women is " 95 per cent of married men are unfaithful. A one-night stand is just a part of life. It has been so for centuries. It is foolish to assume that just because a man marries he will not go for another women. I do not know of any man who would say ‘no’ to temptation, to term it as infidelity is foolish and to react, silly."

The reasons for infidelity are many. One may be lack of communication. Another, emotional void, or sexual/ mental incompatibility. It does lead to trauma for one partner. As psychologist Dr Vidhu Mohan, who has done a number of surveys on extra-marital affair, says: "Fidelity in a marriage is the determining ethic of a marital union. Straying cannot be justified as physical urges can be controlled. Otherwise, what is the difference between a human being and an animal. It is betrayal of faith, breach of trust. Marriage is a sacred institution. It should not be treated lightly. Can you imagine what will happen to society if everyone starts laying down their own rules? Infidelity leads to degradation of the moral fibre of a person. To justify their breach, they start telling lies, hurling accusations, or resorting to violence to demoralise the spouse. Morality has to be protected by society. We cannot say it is none of our business. Societal pressure can be the biggest deterrent."

The dilemma facing the person who is caught in a marriage where the partner is a philanderer is tremendous. When to quit from a bad marriage is one of the toughest decisions. Maya, a working woman, tried to work at her marriage in spite of the wayward ways of the husband because of her daughter’s well-being and her supportive in-laws. Though she was financially independent, she took insults, and his flaunting of the ‘other woman’ openly because she believed marriage was for keeps. Now in retrospect, she realises the futility of making the marriage work when the partner becomes a habitual liar and is totally insensitive to the feelings of others.

In most cases of straying, along with easy availability, the chief cause is lack of communication between the husband and the wife. The other reasons are one partner evolving and the other stagnating mentally, and lack of newness or romance. Whatever the reasons, extra-marital ties always lead to anger, hurt, broken homes; the debris of which is not easy to gather. When emotions come into play, people react from the heart. In such cases, no platitudes or mere words work. It is so easy to be judgemental but every marriage is different, and the problems facing it are different because no two people are the same.

Hence, while marriages may be made in heaven, the great ones are certainly crafted here on earth with love, determination, patience and understanding.