Net picking

The wonders of modern science

THERE'S two men working together at the sawmill when one of them accidentally saws his arm off. Quickly thinking his friend takes the arm puts it in a plastic bag and rushes them to hospital. The following day he visits the hospital to find his friend playing tennis.

"Wow the wonders of modern science".

So anyway they get back to work and are chatting away when a lapse in concentration results in the same careless guy sawing his leg off.

Knowing the drill his friend takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and off they all go to hospital. The next visiting time he finds his friend playing football.

"Wow the wonders of modern science".

A week later, back at work when the guy leans forward just a little too far and saws his head off. Straight away his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes them all off to hospital.

The next day the friend visits to find no sign of his chum.

"Where’s my friend" asks the guy of the orderly.

"Well", said the orderly, "we could have saved him but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

Big stakes

One day this guy was hiking up to an old camp. There was an outhouse along the way, so the guy goes up to the outhouse and accidentally drops a nickel down the hole. He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet down into the hole.

Another guy who was hiking saw him throw his wallet down in the outhouse hole and asked, "Hey buddy, what did you do that for?"

The guy’s reply was: "You didn’t think I would go down there for just a nickel did you?"

Come and visit

Moishe and Shmuel had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Moishe invited Shmuel to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment.
Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go
to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in."
"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed."

A sad day

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That’s not bad."

"Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I’d like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

Sick of blonde jokes

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorised all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorised all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)