The virtue that heals
By Taru Bahl

WHEN we decide to forgive we are making a decision to live in the present moment — a moment which has no bitterness and tension. We are also preparing for a brighter tomorrow since there is positive energy guiding us through our endeavours. On the contrary, when we stubbornly insist on remembering and reminding people of the rude things they uttered, expectations they didn’t live upto, wrongs they committed (advertently and inadvertently) we are preferring to live in the shadow of the past, a past which has bad memories. We are also blocking possibilities of mutual sharing, growth and happiness.

With this magnified sense of hurt we avoid the real issue which has led to that sorry state. We don’t realise that it is upto us whether we choose to get on with our lives or chain ourselves to grudges and upsets of the past. Ours is a tunnel vision which narrows our perspective and blocks the wonderful changing seasons of life. We have a tremendous capacity to hold onto the negatives which life has doled out, to feel sorry for ourselves and to cry on the shoulders of those who are willing to listen to our sad and traumatic sagas.

All his life Abraham Lincoln fought his own feelings of inadequacies. From childhood he learnt to endure the humiliation of extreme poverty. His existence until the age of 21 when he left his father’s world, never to return, was no better than that of a workhorse. He did not invite the senior Mr Lincoln to his wedding nor did he take this family to visit him. When his dad died in a nearby Illinois county in 1851, Lincoln — the President, did not attend his funeral.

Historians attribute Lincoln’s contempt and detachment to his father’s intellectual limitations which made it impossible for him to blot out the past and to forgive him for the pathetic childhood and misery of his formative years. Lincoln was a great administrator, no doubt, but by not forgiving his father and by severing all ties with him, did he emerge a better human being? By forgetting the father’s misery, was Abraham himself happier?

People who have the ability to forget and forgive do not dwell on the unpleasant happenings in their life. Not only do they remain healthy in mind; spirit and body but also enjoy better inter-personal relationships. Being authentic individuals who are straightforward and simple, they are easier to get along with. If something has upset them they say so without mincing words. They don’t waste time and energy backbiting and bottling up negative feelings. Since their minds are uncluttered, they are objective about people and situations. Based on these they decide whether or not to forget and forgive.

When they realise their inappropriate deed they immediately set out to make amends. If it has been unintentional and if the other person has not confronted them, they are sensitive enough to perceive a change in his behaviour. They enquire, probe and do a flash-back. Are they indeed responsible? Is the other person’s sense of hurt justified? If not, they present their case honestly and passionately. If the person insists on not forgiving, they back off with grace and maybe try again later, when his wounds have healed somewhat. In any case they harbour no ill-feelings.

If they have indeed made a faux pax and the person across is wild as hell, they don’t rise to their defense immediately. They hear out his version, examine their own word/action minutely and then offer justification. If they are guilty and have nothing to say in their defence, they allow their body language, words and actions to convince the other person of their sincere regret. They know that the best thing to do when they have been in the wrong is to say "sorry". They know that accepting their mistake may disarm the other person and dissipate his anger.

Now whether they choose to send flowers with a sorry note or sit on his doorstep till he relents and is forced to forgive or get a third person to intervene, they make genuine attempts to resume normal ties since the relationship means a lot to them. If at this point the hurt party lashes out at them by uttering unpleasant things, they don’t get into a battle of words or literally translate every angry word. They are brave enough to take it with a pinch of salt because deep down they know they are responsible and to blame.

To become a forgiving person the first thing to do is to stop being judgmental. When we aren’t Mr Know-Alls, how can we sit on judgements? If there is anyone who can judge us, it is the Almighty, as nothing is hidden from him. Similarly we have to leave the task of punishing to Him. When one has been severely wronged it is difficult to forgive. But if we allow compassion, humility and understanding to reflect in our outlook it may be easier to overlook, accept and forgive. Forgiving the pickpocket who grabs our wallet and escapes into the night is easier. Most of us would curse him and after a few days forget the episode. Great souls would even accept it as God’s will, putting it down to the beggar’s need being greater than theirs.

Forgetting and forgiving an overcharging shopkeeper is also easy since we aren’t dealing with emotions. One can boycott the shop, go and have a verbal fight or approach the consumer court. And after a year maybe even go back to buying things from him. Don’t they say time is the biggest healer?

What is really difficult is to forgive those whom we love and trust implicitly. When they let us down, betray our confidence and inflict harm on our person and soul, forgiveness doesn’t come easy, even to those who don’t like to carry any bitterness. The hurt here runs very deep, the wounds refuse to heal and the insecurities keep piling up. "What did I do to deserve this?", "Where is the guarantee this won’t happen again?" are questions which plague us.

The instinctive, animalistic reaction is to fight back, inflict hurt and ruthlessly severe ties. This is precisely the response that Jesus was trying to eliminate from our hearts when He told us to love our enemies. He knew that forgiveness liberates enormous healing powers in both the forgiver and the forgiven.

Psychotherapists have found a therapeutic way of dealing with resentful feelings where the protagonist is unable to forget the pain and trauma inflicted on him. They feel it may help to image clearly and vividly the face of the person who has wronged us, then picture the face of Jesus, superimpose Christ’s image on top of the other image and say out loud, "I forgive you in the name of Jesus. Amen." This may sound dramatic and saintly but in instances where the hurt is immense how else does one forget, forgive and move ahead? This serves as a healing prayer and a powerful one at that. The Amen at the end means, ‘so be it’.

It is a command to our subconscious to let go of the negative, punitive thoughts that have sunk their roots deep into our mind. Prayer becomes necessary because forgiveness is difficult. We need help. The grace of God and His love act as a solvent, allowing the deepest bitterness to be washed away.

When we choose to forgive another marvellous principle comes into action. As we change, others change too. Deep down people know they have wronged us. They may be guilty but clueless on how to mend fences, moreso since we are so bitter. By indicating that we may be ready to forgive we are showing them the miracle they may have been praying for. Allow them the opportunity to cleanse themselves and wash away their sins. This supreme gesture can make the other person indebted to us for life. Watch the relationship strengthen and acquire a new dimension.