Keeping in touch with oneself
By Taru Bahl

HOW does one remain humble when one is devastatingly good looking and the world makes no bones about it? Ever wondered how the word ‘dumb’ got itself attached to the word ‘beauty’? It may be because beautiful people stop cultivating their personalities, so confident are they of getting things without trying. This is why people who are plain-looking or passably attractive, work hard to be noticed by cultivating a sense of humour, developing an impressive oratory style and a classy dress sense. It matters to them what people think of them. They make good friends, spouses and soul mates.

Rather than turn arrogant with an I-know-all-that-there- is-to-know attitude, they become humble and unassuming, constantly observing and learning from people and life’s experiences. It is not thanks to Lady Luck that their coping skills are better, they often reach the top faster and stay there longer as well because of this trait.

The Femina Miss India, Gul Panag’s disastrous performance at the Filmfare Awards Nite, when she asked silly questions, was ample proof of the fact that she hadn’t thought it important enough to do her home work. The danger facing any successful person, especially the one whom the masses have chosen, is that he can be pulled down just as quickly as he has been put on a pedestal.

One can’t rest on one’s laurels and hope to jive through an all-night party with admirers hanging on and applauding every little word uttered. A deliberate effort has to be made not to fall into the trap of complacency and mediocrity. And no one knows this better than the person who is humble. He refuses to get intoxicated with the glory and adulation that success brings with it. From the beginning he keeps the style apart from the substance and concentrates on the latter adding depth, volume and impact to whatever he does.

Film director Shekhar Kapur on his return from Hollywood, where his film Elizabeth had been nominated for 7 Oscars, suddenly found himself all over the Indian media — in interviews, talk shows and opinion polls. Gone was the tag of ‘jinxed’ filmmaker and he was hailed for being the first Indian to make it big on the angrezi screen. Shekhar has signed two new films for Hollywood but before he moved on he took a month-long break in Mumbai because he feels it is a great leveller. There he spent time at the beach, a non-entity, a persona non grata with the same nariyal pani, pavbhajiwallahs and street urchins whom he had encountered all his life, to whom he was just another Mumbaiya.

He shaved off his beard to see what the last 20 years had done to him, looking older and wiser (?) in the process. He tried to shrug off the trappings of his new success, importance and raised expectations. He did not want to lug any of this into his new phase of creativity and growth. He wanted to start on a clean slate. In a recent interview on the television he said that the question of success going to his head didn’t arise because in any case his success and failure had always been the result of people’s perception of him. He also said that he does not want to kid himself into believing that he is the best Indian director. There could be a million more equally talented, if not more, men and women in a country of 900 million. His humility somehow did not seem of the counterfeit kind. If anything, he was making a very deliberate effort to remain centred and grounded.

A person who is successful can feel guilty about his achievements, especially when he is outsmarting his friends, colleagues and siblings. By feeling apologetic about his triumphs, deliberately toning them down and at times letting opportunities pass him by, he feels he is atoning for his unwarranted successes. The need to be accepted as one of the gang, to be part of the mainstream is so strong that he actually may begin to believe that he is not endowed with special qualities. He could feel acutely embarrassed when people praise or idolise him. He is soft-hearted and would like to think that everyone is equal. Are his attempts at being humble, caring and empathetic a waste? Are they superficial? Do they fetch him a greater degree of acceptance, love and appreciation?

There are people who get paranoid with the stream of admirers, whose motives they suspect. According to psychologists, too much humility could imply a basic lack of confidence or a deep-rooted complex. If one is good looking, it surely isn’t one’s fault. Don’t be conceited and don’t expect people to fall at your feet. But do learn to accept compliments.

Most of us squirm uncomfortably when someone enthusiastically says "How nice you are looking". We immediately respond with, "Oh! But I am feeling lousy" or "How can I look nice with my upturned nose and crooked teeth". Aren’t these totally unwarranted comments? Just say a simple "Thank you" or "How nice of you to say that".

To know one’s plus points is important and then to be graceful about them is also a sign of good breeding, maturity and humility. It is when you say something like "I always look nice" or "I know I am looking deadly tonight" is when you are not being humble. In fact, if there has to be a role model on how not to be a humble person, Hitler would be the ideal candidate to emulate!

Surrounded by yes-men, he believed till the end that his countrymen had let him down and that the world would one day acknowledge him to be the genius he thought he was.

Interestingly, one can win a game of squash against the boss, beat a best friend to the overseas scholarship and even walk the same girl to the altar who your younger brother was pursuing without the world coming to an end. Unlike Hindi potboilers, sacrifices neither come so cheap in real life nor are they necessary to keep relationship going. What does matter at the end of the day is the grace and dignity displayed during the process, not ‘selflessly’ relinquishing claim to whatever ‘trophy’ one has earned.

A truly humble person puts himself in another’s position. He is not self- absorbed. Even if he causes harm or hurt inadvertently, he is usually forgiven because by then people have learnt to trust and regard him. It is said, "He who treats as equals those who are far below him in strength makes them a gift of equality of human beings, of which fate had deprived them." Question of behaving in a superior manner doesn’t occur to them since they feel they belong to the masses. Examples of this genre are Gandhi, Mandela, Mother Teresa and Christ.

With Gandhi, as with Jesus, people (even non-believers) touched the feet or hem of their garment. It was a humbling experience. Standing on the banks of a river also makes one realise how small and insignificant we are howsoever rich and famous we may be. This realisation can help one combat problems, become conscious of our mortality and look beyond our own self-interests.

Success of any sort brings about certain basic changes in lifestyle and behaviour. Small things like standing first in class or being the blue-eyed boy of the department head can give us a chip on our shoulder. We may feel we are now in a different league. Circles of friends, lingo and priorities change as we ring out the old and ring in the new. This instantly antagonises us from our peer group which was sceptically watching us anyway.

People who make that instant switch to the new set up (discarding all that is old) find it impossible to come back in case they fail. Somewhere they also lose touch with their own selves.

This feature was published on April 4, 1999