Up the garden path and back
By Amrita Dhingra

"DO something old man, I just can’t lose this job!" If ever there was a plea meant to melt hearts and bring out the milk of human kindness it was this.

You ran out of the maze urging Frank to replant the uprooted rose bush as best as he could while you held Fiona back. Unfortunately, Comet, who the reader will remember thinks everything in life is a game, took off after you and succeeded in pouncing on you from behind just short of the entrance of the maze. The result of course was that you measured your length in grass and Fiona who had just walked that way very nearly tripped on you.

"Goodness me! What on earth are you up to?" She stood there arms akimbo while Comet licked your face with unabashed fervour.

"A new sort of therapy, you won’t understand," your attempt at sarcasm flopped even before it started. Pushing that over enthusiastic piece of cosmic wreckage aside you got to your feet, only to realise that Fiona was well on her in.

"Hey Fi you can’t go in there! Come back here!" You rushed to her and turned her around.

"And why not?"

"Because... Because I want to talk to you about," here you racked your brains trying to come with a feasible excuse,"... about... Carrie!"

"Darling! You’re back!" At that same moment you heard the voice you had dreaded you’d hear all morning. Her enthusiastic shriek nearly caused you to turn tail and flee. But of course you couldn’t do that and as she flung herself at you, you could do nothing but stand there and endure it. A regular trooper that’s what you were.

"Oh My Lulupoopsey, my sugar bunch!!! Honey bunch I was soo worried about you!!!"

The fact that Fiona was a silent, unrepentant and immensely amused witness to these denigrations of your good name and standing irritated you all the more.

"Carrie, how nice to see you", you tried to tone things down, tried to detach her arms from around your neck.

"Buttercup I’ve missed you", Carrie showed no inclination to let go. Fiona was grinning like a Cheshire cat that has just done away with the household canary.

"Yes I know", you tried to price her arms from your neck for not only was this cosy little scene making you turn a deep shade of red, it was also immensely uncomfortable hurting as it did all your bruises, "I’ve missed you too". Now of course the latter half of the statement was the vilest lie that ever escaped your lips, but as you uttered it in a strangled sort of voice you hoped it would satisfy her.

And it did. Well, sort off.

"Come let’s go I’ve been waiting for you." She started to drag you off in the direction of the lake. Fiona, who seemed to have lost all inclination to supervise the work of the gardener and had been enjoying your plight tremendously moved off with regret. You couldn’t be sure but you felt that her parting shot was a "best of Luck" thrown over her shoulder.

"So Carrie," you said, determined to keep the conversation light and easy and very much within control, "what have you been doing?"

Carrie, who was still a perfect ten with soft green eyes and a quivering mouth, turned her face in your direction and sighed, eyes brimming with tears, "I watched this movie the other day. About a girl whose sweetheart got injured in a shootout with a gangster and they had to go to ground in the mountains..."

Much as you feared what would come next, you forced yourself to listen.

"...And there were no medicines, no doctors and his girl she walked barefoot in the forest. And then suddenly she decided to make medicines out of well, herbs and that sort of thing..."

As that earnest face turned once more to look up at you, you couldn’t resist the urge to look down at her feet. Your worst fears were confirmed. Carrie had abandoned her designer heels a long-time back. You gulped the lump of apprehension that was making its presence felt in your throat and forced yourself to listen to her.

"...And well then she mixed lavender and thyme and... well I forget exactly what that was but..." her clear brow furrowed in concentration she carried on, "...I bought this book that teaches you exactly how to do it and I’m learning about natural medicine and soon I shall be able to cure you... my sweetie bumpkin".

"Hey," you tried to keep the horror out of your voice, "there’s nothing wrong with me really. Honest look I’m as fit as a fiddle. In fact I’ve never felt better in all these years".

Admittedly your claims to perfect health were not helped by your appearance. A man who has half his face swathed in a bandage has to do more than just talk to give the impression of being hale and hearty.

By now you were walking towards the lake via the path that was overhung with creepers and what you’ve heard as being called many scented blossoms.

"Isn’t it romantic!" One thing that could be said about Carrie was that her span of attention was as limited as the average bird of paradise, she did not linger too long on one subject. You gave thanks for small mercies.

"Yes quite," not that this new line of conversation was putting you at ease.

"When we get married I intend to landscape our garden in the same way," she sighed in anticipated delight.

"Yes. Right." Anyone could see your heart wasn’t in it.

"Or if you like we could go to ground in the mountains," here she giggled.

And that’s what made you decide that enough was enough. There was no way you could marry this girl, perfect ten or not. The trouble was how you’d break the news to her.

"Carrie, I have something to say to you," you said as a prelude to being firm with her.

"Yes sugarcrumb I’m listening," she paused to flick delicately at a butterfly.

"About this marriage of ours. You... I mean I well umm its like this..." regrettably all your panache evaporated at that moment.

Carrie who was still occupied with the butterfly who was flitting around now, said, "umm..."

"Well it’s like this that, well dash it all marriage is a big step and a man’s got to think, I mean everyone’s got to think before taking the plunge. I mean its for a lifetime, for keeps and I just want to say..."

"...that you’re so glad we found each other because we’re just made for each other. I understand perfectly. The feeling is mutual". She completed the thought for you. "How perfectly sweet of you to allow me to rethink the whole thing but I assure you there is no question of me changing my mind".

Defeated in the face of such staunch devotion, you decided to try another tactic but before you could begin she was saying, "when we are married there will be perfect happiness. No misunderstandings. Nothing like the taming of the shrew. I believe that whatever you do shall be right".

It was probably very unfaithful of you, considering you were engaged to Carrie, but at that moment the picture of Amanda Spencer challenging you at every step of the way flashed in your mind and a future with Carrie lost its remaining luster.

"You know what they say marriage is a series of three rings. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and then comes the suffering!"

She laughed heartily at your joke and clung to your arm for support. Feeling like a cad, but nonetheless determined to break the news to her, you said, "Listen Carrie, about Frank, give the poor guy a break will you? He’s crazy about you. Even Comet is miserable these days".

"Comet," said Carrie, turning remarkably snooty, "is better behaved than Mr Gulley".

"Aw come on you don’t really mean that!"

"Don’t I?"

"No, I’ve known Frank since we were ye high and I’m telling you he’s a great guy".

"Why are you advocating his cause? Don’t you want to marry me?" Although Carrie may have the span of attention of a bird of paradise you were relieved to see that if the point was reiterated often enough she’d see it.

There are times in life when silence is not only golden, it is priceless. This you felt, was one of those times if ever there was one. Accordingly, you gazed into the distance and maintained what you thought was a strategic silence.

"My poor darling why do you have to be so good?" said Carrie with a melting tenderness that quite horrified you. "That’s what I like best about you — the sheer nobility. Imagine wanting to step aside for Frank Gulley. No it only strengthens my resolve — you are indeed worth ten of him".

"No come on Carrie, Frank’s a marvellous chap, really, he’ll probably win a Nobel Prize or something one of these days," you pitched in desperately.

"Ha! The only prize Frank is likely to win will be something at a lucky dip!"

"No I mean I can’t marr..."

"You, on the other hand, could win a Nobel, bring warring nations to peace, scale Mt Everest without an oxygen mask!"

"Hey look..."

"I am sure," she carried on quite solemnly, "that when you were born angels arrived and sprinkled moondust in your hair. There is something otherworldly, quite divine about you and I’d be a fool if I gave you up. No we belong together. Without a doubt!"

As you stood there and watched all your efforts being swept away you were conscious of a sinking of the heart. Carrie meanwhile had broken into a song.

"To know know him is to love love love him..." she trilled in a voice just a little too high-pitched for you to like.

So far you had believed that though asking her to marry you certainly had been a mistake it was no big deal. Now, you realised that it was a monumental folly. It was crystal-clear to you that for some inexplicable reason she was enamoured of you. And that was that. Perseverance was not a virtue you would have credited her with but as she continued to sing — everyone says there’ll come a day when I’ll walk alongside of him — you began to dread the possibility of that happening. The very thought made your toes curl.

You could have run a mile in tight shoes to avoid waltzing up the aisle with her. But things weren’t that simple. You cannot escape a girl whose intake of soppy movies and books defies all imagination, a girl who takes anything projected in 24 mm for the gospel truth, a girl who had some really false notions as far as you were concerned.

And then of course was the fact that if you were not successful in warding off this disaster Frank Gulley would be lending a helping hand in the nasty business of sending you to hell. It was clear that the rift in the lute between him and Carrie was of a pretty wide nature and Carrie was determined for it to stay that way.

There was nothing to do really but take Carrie’s arm and lead her back to the house. She continued to hum, interspersing the tune with remarks like, "I saw the devoted way you were looking at me across the dinner table the other night. Oh how noble of you to want my happiness but I assure you it lies with you not Frank". And though inwardly you winced, you smiled down at her, all the while wondering which soppy movie she’d taken that particular line from.

And as bad as it all was you could’t help thinking that this was just the beginning of another round in the terrorising merry-go-round fate and Amanda Spencer had put you on at times like this you wondered if the ride would ever end.