The art and craft of making excuses

YOUNG American author Austin Dewart has said: “If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.” I was reminded of this quote during my third visit to the bank in a fortnight, only to be greeted each time with a fresh excuse: “The printer isn’t working,” “The server is down” or “We are short-staffed.” It made me wonder whether we the people have become masters at making excuses.

Excuses are mostly framed to escape the wrath of seniors or to justify procrastination. Back in boarding school, we learnt how to do it. Boys would invent all kinds of reasons to dodge the morning PT or the evening parade. Homesick students went to the extent of asking day-boarder friends to send fake telegrams about the “untimely demise” of a grandparent or posting forged wedding invitations to secure a few days’ leave.

Once, I told my housemaster that my uncle from Canada was visiting India after years, and I wished to meet him. He replied with an Urdu couplet: “Chahat ka jab mazaa hai ke woh bhi ho be-qarar; Dono taraf ho aag barabar lagi hui.”

His point was sharp — if I was so desperate to meet my uncle, surely he must be eager too. Why not let him come to meet me instead? I got the message loud and clear.

Years later, running a nursing home, I now find myself on the other side of the fence. Managing a dozen employees is no less than a Herculean task, especially when every leave request comes wrapped in a unique excuse. One staff member in particular was so skilled at it that I nicknamed her the ‘masterchef’, for she could cook up excuses with the flair of a seasoned artist.

She was habitually late, but her explanations were so novel and convincingly delivered that whoever sought justification ended up tongue-tied, letting her off scot-free. Once, she sought leave to visit her ailing aunt in a nearby town. I agreed. But later that evening, while running an errand at the local market, I spotted her strolling with a friend. I decided not to confront her then, but prepared myself for the next day.

When I called her into my chamber and mentioned about seeing her, she didn’t flinch. With complete composure, she replied, “Sir, my mother slipped while boarding a bus. She twisted her ankle, so we had to return home. I sought help from bystanders to carry her back.” Then, without pausing, she added, “I’ll also need half-day leave tomorrow to take her to a masseur.” I was left speechless. Once again, the ‘masterchef’ had outwitted me with such a perfect excuse that I had no valid reason to reject it.

The pool of excuses is inexhaustible. From schoolkids to bank clerks and nurses, their creativity never ceases to amaze me. Perhaps if this ingenuity were directed towards solving problems, we might surprise ourselves with what we could truly achieve.