Holy cow! Chew the cud

Holy cow! Ours is a country that can still get more outraged by the imagined slaughter of a cow than the death of a human being! Even as cows no more moo in our backyard sheds, specially in cities, we are still finding it impossible to not boo at perceived blasphemy. And, the collective boo takes on a violent turn as we make mincemeat of the ‘beefy offenders’. At times, even over rumours and cock and bull stories. We vandalise, humiliate, beat and even lynch them. 

We find nothing unholy in taking law unto our hands over the holy cow. We turn vigilantes. A vigilante is a member of a self-appointed group of citizens who undertake law enforcement without authority, typically because legal agencies are thought to be inadequate.

Suddenly, vigilante squads seem to be sprouting senselessly. More and more ‘mob justice’ maniacs manage to mislead the masses into making a mockery of many maxims. You chew the cud when you talk or think slowly and carefully about something. It comes from this trait of ruminant animals, notably cows. Cud is the part-digested food that cows bring back into their mouths from their first stomach, to chew at leisure.

When I was chewing the cud (also, chew the fat) on cow politics, I was reminded of the political science classes of my undergrad days. We had fun learning certain political terms with reference to the “you have two cows” satire:

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and promises you milk but you starve.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk. You join the underground.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. 

Counterculture: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk. I mean, totally. 

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Republic: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". 

Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them. Interestingly, this ‘two cows’ satire can be applied to economics or other fields of study. As I was ruminating, I came across this witty stuff regarding photography on petapixel.com:

Photojournalist: You have two cows. Photojournalist will wait till your neighbour kills one of the cows before they take a picture. 

Street photographer: You have two cows. Street photographer will wait till the cows mate and produce more cows to layer the frame before they take a picture. 

Wedding photographer: You have two cows. Wedding photographer will take a picture just before the cows mate. 

Salon photographer: You have two cows. Salon photographer will wait till the sun sets behind the cows before they take a picture. 

Conceptual photographer: You have two cows. Conceptual photographer will wait till nature calls and take a picture of the cows’ dung. 

Instagram photographer: You have two cows. Instagram photographer will wait till your neighbour makes steak from the cow he killed before they take a picture. 

Commercial photographer: You have two cows. Commercial photographers will wait for the budget before they even look at the cows. 

Fashion photographer: You have two cows. Fashion photographer will recommend two horses instead because the cows are too fat. 

So, have you chewed the fat? It would be good if we all did that on all matters. Then the world would be a much better place to live in. We would not be cowardly or cowed. By the way, we all love cows, as we do all other animals. 

By the way, a little bird tells me that this buffalo was feeling racially discriminated against. “I also give milk to people. Why am I not sacred? Because I am black?”

— hkhetal@gmail.com