‘D’ for Divorce

Manpriya Singh

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If only divorce was as simple as its definition. For sure, “the legal dissolution of a marriage” states what it means, but not what it entails — neither the surrounding hushed whispers or the infinitesimal pause, nor the feeble attempts to change the topic.

Least of all, the plethora of D words unleashed after the doom’s day, much less the resultant depression and recurring thoughts of death. “At the end of the day, it’s just a divorce and not a communicable disease. Talking about divorce in India is like taking on the cause of AIDS,” Vandana Shah shares some of the observations of a friend working in a foreign consulate; the observations that she experienced from close quarters while battling divorce proceedings lasting a decade.

On an invitation by Chandigarh Literary Society for the launch of her memoir, The Ex-Files, she reveals the personal hardships of divorce and the joys of emerging stronger with positive thinking.

Let’s talk about it

Despite her best efforts to save the marriage, Vandana Shah found herself facing a divorce petition. Instead of wallowing in self pity, she picked up the pieces of her life and kept moving. “I don’t know whether I was stupid or brave to have restarted the journey with Rs 750 in my account, when I was thrown out by my in-laws,” she looks back at the long innings spent experiencing courtroom drama -- first as a litigant, later as a counselor by starting India’s first divorce support group, little later as a divorce lawyer, and recently as an author. Divorcologue, she likes to term it. “Apart from serving as a guide to someone going through it, the book also deals with the legal and social aspects of a divorce, which are so often overlooked in India.”

Neither here nor there

The conversation and question-answers are peppered by excerpts from the book. “Once you are divorced, you are like a pack of half-eaten chocolates, which can neither be returned…”

Sometimes, an offensive conversation between friends, while other times, hurtful propositions by relatives.

Back in time

Twenty-first century is for the statistics. The court rooms and divorce counselors are like an exercise in time travel. “One encounter with them and you’ll think the counselors are living in the ’50s -- not 1850s, nor 1950s, just the 50s.” Even outside, she adds, “Not much has changed; the stigma still persists even though the numbers keep growing.”

Private space

Impertinent queries and personal questions, there are some things they better get used to. There’s never a name, only a reference to The Paneer Boy. She laughs, “I didn’t want to invade someone’s personal space. He lives only two kilometers from where I live; don’t have any interaction with him, but from what I hear, he has not been pleased with the way things have taken shape.”

As for her, “My journey is still ongoing. My life’s philosophy is to elevate myself, than to bring others down.”

manpriya@tribunemail.com