Drawing the invisible line

Abha Chaudhary

You know the feeling when you are at a party, a friend has had a little too much to drink and is telling you how the world really is. To make sure you don’t miss a syllable of his wisdom, he leans right into your face, causing discomfort. 

When a man is ‘right in your face’ or ‘too much in your face’ – this is usually an aggressive gesture and a clear breach of etiquette, defining the use of space or territory. Personal space is the invisible area around each of us, the space we feel we need to keep others out of in order to be comfortable. But if someone comes into our personal space, it does not always have to be uncomfortable. 

Culture, relationship and personality affect what people see as comfortable personal space. Socio-psychologists have tried to measure the personal space or ‘bubble’ we create around ourselves. The best estimate is that an average personal physical space is about 60 cm on either side, 70 cm in front and 40 cm behind. The boundaries of personal space depend not just on culture but also on circumstances. I often travel on the Delhi metro in the rush hour when everyone is crammed up against perfect strangers. Normally you would only be this near to someone in an intimate situation. Forced so close to people like this, we use many conscious and unconscious signals to remind ourselves, and our fellow travellers, that this is not true closeness. 

Close yet far

There is no reason to suppose the Paris, Athens, Moscow, New York or Tokyo tubes are any different. One way people cope with so much proximity is to use ‘Keep out even though you are so close’ signals like turn the trunk away so that while they stay physically close, that closeness is less direct. Avoiding eye contact is another ‘keep-out’ signal. The glassy stare at no one makes it very clear they are not inviting real involvement. The eyes almost defocus in this situation. Avoiding speech is another such signal. Not speaking to anyone even though they have a perfect view of the other person’s eyes, hair, and sometimes dandruff. 

A fourth signal is the way passengers avoid any touch even if other people are only an inch away. This sometimes requires a few contortions. If people do accidentally touch, they tend to apologise with a quick, terse ‘sorry’. As our sense of personal space is both conscious and unconscious, we use many ways of moving to signal whether we want – or don’t want – someone to cross the boundary and come inside.

Read the signs

‘Cross into my space’ signs could be little movements of the body which open up the stance, like little turns of the face to really look into someone’s eyes, physically inching closer together, moving from a closed stance to an open one, etc. 

It is also wise to recognize signs that mean the opposite. These are the definite ‘Do not cross into my personal space’ signals like turning the body away. Like crossing the arms in front of the body, retreating movements, the elbow pointing like a shield at someone else, putting the arms in front of the face. Being mindful of these tell-tale gestures is being etiquette savvy.

When it is off limit  

People vary in how territorial they are, but to be highly territorial is very human. It is a trait we have inherited from other animals – and you can see that at lectures, on planes and in your own home. Students who attend the second lecture in a series of lectures usually sit in precisely the same seats they occupied at the first lecture. People do their best in trains and planes to make sure the seat next to them stays empty; they often pile it with coats and luggage. A teenager may well see his or her room as private territory and ban mum and dad from coming in. Often men make their study or the garden shed their sacred space. Do not trespass into a woman’s dressing space or the table where she keeps her make-up. Peeping into someone’s purse or wallet is imprudent. When visiting a friend or family avoid intruding into their personal space like the bedroom or the kitchen unless asked to. It is such spatial etiquette that explains why the drawing room and the guest restrooms are more formal and peripheral to the rest of the house.

(Chaudhary is a Chandigarh-based image and style consultant).