Please, lend an ear
Abha Chaudhary
Responsive listening
Good listening etiquette means I listen to the other without assumptions which come from my ego-centric mind and prove to be a hindrance to being a good listener. A complete absence of pre-conceived assumptions is not possible but we can minimise it by increasing the level of anticipation of the expectations of the others. Such sensibilities make us aware, thoughtful and receptive. Practise responsive listening all the time. This makes the speaker feel understood. A little effort to listen carefully will initiate a positive spark to all your relationships.
The person who starts a sentence must be the one to finish it but unfortunately jumping in to take over the sentence is too tempting for me to let the other finish. And I will never know what you actually meant. Distractions fail to make me appear concerned and attentive. One of the bad listening habits is to make assumptions of what others are going to say. Your spouse gets home late and says, “I am sorry I got late.” “It’s okay I managed my dinner.” This lets her not complete the sentence that she got late because of a flat tyre. All she feels is that you are only interested in your food or are making her feel guilty over what she had no control.
Wait for your turn
Cutting someone off to takeover conversational control is annoying. Equally annoying is to jump in with interjections that reflect your perspective. It seems predictable and not genuinely interested. Supportive means neither anticipating nor exceeding a speaker’s expression of feeling. Be supportive not too prescriptive to demonstrate that you understood. Be interested to be interesting. Give them a full chance to say. Don’t pounce at the first pause. Don’t use every pause to drop in your point of view. Acknowledge, and then say your piece. Curb the impulse to switch the focus on to yourself. Say only what encourages the speaker to say more. Sometimes we don’t listen because we react emotionally and focus on what we want to say. We can’t wait to give our experience, our feeling, our opinion. What you have to say is fine but it interferes with what the other has to say. “I hate my job”. “Yes me too” might be spontaneous but instead say, “Oh what happened?”
Next time when a child or a spouse complains usually just listen first. When someone is sick, he needs your attention, similarly make the other person feel that you value what they have to tell you. “I felt alone when you left the party to talk to your boss.” Instead of retorting, “What do I do, he pays me my salary,” just say, “I am sorry.”
If you make a habit of talking out of turn you might come across as intrusive. Even if you do know what he or she is going to say, let them say it. They will feel heard and acknowledged. And this fulfilment of being heard as a child goes a long way in building patience as a good listener. If you are not good at tennis means you have not practised it enough. So is it with listening.
(Chaudhary is a Chandigarh-based image and style consultant)
