Dear monsoon maasi,
Greetings and welcome again!
Now, I have nothing against your annual visit. In fact, you are one of my favourite maasis and I look forward to welcoming you, especially after the visit of June jija. But you know, even the nicest guests can create uncomfortable situations for their host; so, I thought (in the most positive way possible) that I’d list out a few things that you need to work on to be the perfect relative. Incidentally, some of the situations are not even your fault. They just occur because your hosts are not ready for you. Anyhow, here goes:
1 Your favourite pet, humidity, that you insist on bringing along, makes me look like a bristly lion. My uncontrollably frizzy mane can give competition to Kangana Ranaut’s hair and win! Oopar se, pimples! So embarrassing at my age. Also, maasi, do you mind going slow with the pollen, dust and fungi floating in the air? Let me tell you that allergies that are nothing to sneeze at. My “achoos!” can spray people all around me with nasal droplets and blow their false eyelashes away!
2 Why does your arrival mean that there has to be a power outage? Arre, you must understand that in order to dry those eternally wet clothes (and whose fault is that?), we need fans. I’m tired of holding my nose to avoid smelling those semi-dried-in-the-rain stinky clothes. And yesterday my worst nightmare come true when due to the power outage, I got stuck in the lift. I was hanging stories above the ground; my sole lifeline being the emergency call button in front of me and it did not work! Only chanting Hanuman Chalisa 10 times made the lift move. Jai Veer Hanuman!
3 Would you also please stop modifying the behaviour of drivers? Vehicle drivers, who are reasonably well behaved in non-monsoon weather, turn into driving dervishes when you arrive. They cause traffic jams, accidents, grimace aggressively at one another while driving and, of course, swoosh through potholes, heartlessly splashing the hapless pedestrians and cyclists with filthy water. Perhaps they’re trying to avoid the waterlogged roads and are driving as fast as possible to get to a safe place before they’re up to their windows in water that has no way to drain out.
Vaise, I do accept that even with miniscule amounts of rainfall, most city roads vanish under the flow of water. So, though this is probably not all your fault but getting to work on time for people is a definite challenge!
4 Just a few other things that you may want to modify: Mosquitoes, creepy-crawlies, chip-chip, overflowing drains and weight gain (pakoras and malpuas make it happen every monsoon).
Still, dear maasi, you’re my favourite guest, bringing reprieve from scorching heat. The earth sighs with relief and the trees are lush, green and alive. There are so many nice monsoon songs! Bas, with a few modifications, you would be the perfect visitor! After all, “Mausam hai aashiqana”.
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