After Zen, zoned out

Aradhika  Sharma

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Dear Diary Didi,

An impromptu trip to Rishikesh happened with Shobha, my office colleague. She was going there for a yoga retreat and I decided to go along. I’ve been wanting to find my sense of inner peace and expand my mind through yoga. All the celebrities do it, so why not me?

Shobha signs me up for a beginner’s class at the ashram. I prepare to impress the rookies with my lithe yoga moves. Remember, I’d done yoga with Goswamiji eight years ago? Who knows, my instructor may even request me to guide the class.

10.50 am: The venue of the beginner’s class is a large hall in the basement. Many firangis have already spread out their mats and are silently sitting in padmasana, doing deep breathing. What’s their hurry? In Goswamiji’s class we’d have been doing sociable chit-chat. I spread my mat next to an overweight Chinese girl and smile at her. She stares impassively.

10.58 am: A handsome instructor enters and climbs his special podium. He joins his hands and says namaste. The class responds resoundingly. He introduces himself as Sam. I christen him ‘Sexy Sam’ (SS). 

11.00 am: It’s hot and stuffy. A sweat moustache has already formed on my upper lip. Hope they turn on the ACs soon. SS asks us to sit in sukhasana and chant ‘Om’ thrice. I try to say the longest ‘Om’ but my neighbour’s ‘Om’ goes on and on and on. Show off!

11.05 am: SS calls for warm ups and we do rotations with ours heads, shoulders, wrists, feet and hips. That was easy. I look around triumphantly. No one is looking at me. 

11.15 am: SS demonstrates the eagle arms pose, the cat-cow stretch and the tadasana. The AC is obviously not coming on. Sweat is stinging my eyes and I can no longer see.

11.20 am:  SS then demonstrates the utkatasana, king dancer, warrior, standing split, half-moon and the sugarcane poses. I’m wondering if this is indeed the beginner’s class. My body is in a state of disbelief at the excesses I’m putting it through, but now it’s izzat ka sawaal. My Chinese neighbour is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since the class began. She is making me look bad. I hate her!

11.35 am: I’ve renamed Sexy Sam. He shall henceforth be called Sadistic Sam. SS calls for the plank pose. I’m going to die! No, I’m going to kill!

11.50 am: SS calls for the parvatasana, mountain pose. The class goes into the pose, expelling a cacophony of odious bodily noises. (Thank god, I’m not the only one!)

11.55 am: Shavasana at last. I can’t move my limbs on my own anyway.

11.56 am: It is pranayam time. Savage Sam explains kapalabhati pranayam and says: “If you begin to feel dizzy, stop breathing and relax.” Stop breathing? Meaning?

12.10 pm: Torture over! I stagger out of the studio. On the way, I slip in someone’s pool of sweat. 

Diary Didi, I’ve decided, Shobha can have her yoga retreats but I’m going to retreat from yoga.