Love that kills
Geetu Vaid
A 22-year-old man slashes his 18-year-old girlfriend’s throat on a busy road in Vakola in Mumbai.
Reason: The victim refused to show her assailant her mobile phone.
A 24-year-old Indian Infosys employee murdered at the Nungambakkam railway station in Chennai, while on her way to her office.
Reason: The victim had spurned the advances of her assailant.
A 34-year-old lawyer shot dead in a park in Chandigarh.
Reason: Alleged revenge from an ex-flame after the victim got engaged to someone else.
Move over Heer-Ranjha, Laila-Majnu and Shirin-Farhad. Now is the time for love in the fast lane of WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook et al where reading the lover’s eyes and expressions to feel love has given way to emoticons and phone hacking to know how sincere your partner really is. Little surprise then that ‘kill’ is the new four-letter word in the lexicon of love.
The snapshots of news headlines represent just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to crimes and deaths reported around us as a result of a love story gone awry. It is unnerving to realise that love kills more people in India than terror attacks. With over 1,17,774 deaths ascribed to love-related violence in the 14-year period between 2001 and 2015, as against 20,000 in terror incidents in the same period, the metaphor ‘dying for love’ has a more sinister ring to it now. Top this with 2,00,600 cases of kidnapping/abduction of women where marriage has been the motive, and the reality becomes grimmer. And we are yet to add post-marriage violence and domestic violence cases besides a large number of cases that remain unreported.
The tender thread that binds two persons in a beautiful, life-giving and lasting bond seems to have become a choking noose. Violence, whether towards oneself in the form of suicide, or towards one’s partner as physical assault, is widely prevalent all around us. Though the link between love and aggression can’t be denied as both are intense emotions and expression of one can trigger the other in an equal proportion, it is the increase in such incidents and their wider social impact that is a matter of concern. “Anger and aggression are linked with relationships, typically seen to be rising from a sense of perceived disappointments within interpersonal relationships. However, there has been an increase in the prevalence of aggression being exhibited especially in the younger relationships, as in such cases the ability to understand and seek the right guidance is still developing.” says Dr Samir Parikh, Director, Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Hospitals. “Getting into relationships at a young age with little emotional maturity opens the doors for dysfunctional behaviour as one is ill equipped to handle either the rejection or the complexities involved,” says Dr Sachin Kaushik, Consultant Psychiatrist with Max Hospital, Mohali and Mind Peace Clinic, Panchkula. It is like stepping into a minefield.
Growing impatience and giving more importance one’s own needs have also given a blood-tinged hue to relationships. “The nature of interpersonal relationships has clearly witnessed a transition as people are more accustomed to opting for quickest solutions. Ending relationships has become easier, with a greater freedom of choice the need to adjust or accommodate to the demands of the situations has also decreased,” adds Dr Parikh. With little patience and no one ready to compromise or understand the other person’s perspective, no wonder that things go out of hand often.
But the question here is whether the ‘most threatened’ group is really aware of the danger, and more so, are there any systems in place to check the occurrence of such incidents?
While the homicides and suicides remain the gory realities, what is more upsetting is the nonchalance with which the young accept these incidents. Nineteen-year-old Shimona, who is from Jalandhar and is currently studying in Chandigarh, is dismayed but not surprised by such news. “I have seen many of my friends in abusive relationships. It is very common in the 'youngosphere'. Some are unlucky to lose their lives. It is destiny,” she says. “Everyone is looking for permanence and sincerity in a relationship and yet there is no way of ensuring it. So boys and girls resort to control and possessiveness and many use force to keep their partner in the ‘right lane’,” adds her friend Divya.
So, if you get a whiff of naivety in their remarks, then our true-blue Punjabi Rajinder Kahlon offers the full blast of patriarchal mindset, “Actually the girls who get into relationships at a young age are asking for bad things to happen to them.” This student from Ludhiana who admits to having ‘been there done that’ goes on, “In any case a man has to be in control and anyone would blow his top if his love interest does not agree with him,” blatantly unmindful of the difference it makes when this attitude leads to blowing someone else’s top, literally so.
Even the Supreme Court recently reiterated a woman’s right to reject someone’s love and not be compelled against her choice. But the reality is that in our country the affaires de coeur are caught between the two extremes of naivety and well-entrenched mindsets in a social system where the choice to select one’s partner is still very limited and so is the choice to say ‘No’. Add to this the glorification of aggression, possessiveness in popular songs and movies and the pressing need for acceptance triggered by social media channels, and the pitch is all rolled and ready for a violent innings of a game that can be called anything but love.
Well, if the impression is that here an argument is being built in favour of anti-Romeo squads, then that is not the case at all. Being suppressive in nature such drives are not an answer and neither are these a way to deal with the problem of violence and homicide. Actually, the irony of the situation is that while everyone knows that their children, siblings. friends, colleagues may be in relationships, no one is ready to accept it. “The refusal to accept existence of love and physical attraction and relationships between young people as well as the unwillingness to talk about it openly is making the matters worse. Everyone knows that youngsters these days move in a more permissive environment and have relationships at different stages but they are kind of left on their own to deal with the complexities that come with these,” says Dr Kaushik.
A victim of abuse or violence, in fact, has zilch support. The first reaction of people in such cases is to stigmatise the victim, “This is what will happen when you become over-friendly with boys”, is the obvious reaction. The official system, too, is not very sensitised about dealing with cases that have the potential of turning violent. As a result, the victim is left to carry the cross all by himself /herself till things go real bad. “I kept on dealing with abuse and violent behaviour of my boyfriend for years as I didn't know whom to tell”, says Arushi, a 24-year-old MBA student from Shimla. “He would not let me interact with anyone and made me delete my WhatsApp and FB accounts and checked my phone bills as well. Any resistance on my part would result in either him threatening to kill me or slitting his own wrist. Approaching the police or women cell was out of the question because then my family’s name would have been involved. Friends were of little help as they were scared for their own safety”. Her attempt to kill herself finally brought some help and her tormentor was kept at bay.
If innocent lives are to be saved then it is time to put a system in place. “Educational institutions have to come forward and have counselling cells and counsellors to help youngsters deal with relationship issues and have a liason with psychiatrists and law-enforcement agencies. This way youngsters can work on emotional maturity as well as get a platform to share any sort of trauma that they are facing”, suggests Dr Kaushik.
The key point to be considered from the victims' perspective is to help them develop adaptive coping mechanisms and enhance their resilience. Often identifying the problem can become the most essential step, as gaining an objective evaluation of the situation can be difficult. “Skills training for assertiveness, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness are important, coupled with psychotherapeutic support to work on both physical as well as emotional healing, and restoring the individual’s sense of self”, says Dr Parikh.
Psyched for violence?
The fault lies not always in the nature of a relationship as a person’s psychological makeup and perceptions can make him/her prone to acts of violence. "A sense of perceived threat to one’s bond or attachment is one of the most typical factors that give rise to a pathological or dysfunctional relationship, breeding insecurities and impacting the individual’s sense of self. A false sense of justification, coupled with a lack of empathy and difficulties in regulation of one's emotions, which can also be contributing to an increasing prevalence of such incidents,” says Dr Parikh.
Red flags
Are there any warning signals that can make one aware of the fact that a particular relationship has the tendency to turn into a violent one? "Yes", says Dr Sachin, "there are a number of ways in which one can determine that his/her partner can get violent in the future.”
- Be careful if the person is prone to anxiety attacks. For example if he/she can’t wait if the partner gets delayed for a date or start making calls repeatedly on being told that the other person is busy or occupied otherwise.
- Tendency to get aggressive on trivial matters.
- If your partner is into substance abuse then you should not ignore it at any cost.
- Any signs of possessiveness are not to be taken lightly. So if your partner stops you from interacting with others or asks you to cut off ties with friends and family and delete social media accounts, then it is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
- The growing footprint of obsessive syndrome can be gauged if your partner loses interest in his studies, job and hobbies and isolates himself socially. This can be dangerous in the long run.
- Lack of sleep is also an important signal that shows that the person is having anxiety issues that have the potential of taking a serious twist.
In the name of love
- Love was officially recorded as the cause of 38,585 murders and culpable homicide cases between 2001 and 2015.
- Government records link love to 79,189 cases of suicides.
- Marriage was recorded as the main motive for 200,600 kidnapping cases.
- Andhra Pradesh, Uttar Pradesh, Maharashtra, Tamil Nadu and Madhya Pradesh registered the highest number of murder cases on account of love.
- West Bengal leads the list in suicide cases, with over 15,000 suicides due to love affairs gone wrong even as data for 2012 was not available for the state.
- Women outnumber men in cases of suicides triggered by love affairs in 19 of the 35 Indian states.
