‘Letting Go’ by Amrinder Bajaj: Doctor as caretaker, patient

A senior obstetrician and her husband, a private practitioner, find themselves at the receiving end of the healthcare system’s often heartless treatment. Despite their medical background, they witness the disregard for patient comfort and the ruthless demands for money in private and public hospitals. They face overwhelming challenges, including the exorbitant costs of cancer treatment and the struggle to balance work and caregiving responsibilities.

Amrinder Bajaj’s story is a no-holds-barred, emotionally charged and brutally honest account of her life after her husband’s stage-four cancer diagnosis. ‘Letting Go’ highlights the patient’s fear of death and the caregiver’s anticipation of loss, presenting a searingly honest narrative that does not romanticise or shy away from the pain, misery and suffering the disease brings to the patient, as well as the helplessness, anxiety and depression experienced by the caregiver.

The book is structured as a series of diary entries, beginning with Amrinder’s irritation at finding the toilet seat soiled and the tank unflushed after her husband, MS, uses it. She candidly describes his unhygienic habits, bad body odour and halitosis, along with his lack of care for her and almost pathological stinginess. She openly declares that she is not in love with her husband, and they do not share bedrooms. “Why is it that a husband and wife of nearly 40 years cannot speak a civil word to each other despite the fact that our lives are intertwined as vines and can only break but never unwind.”

Despite their unsuccessful married life, she is the primary caregiver, responsible for funding MS’ treatment, home care, and hospital procedures.

Amrinder’s candid account spares no one, including herself, her husband, and even her sons. She illustrates how adversity can reveal both nobility and pettiness in people. She receives little support from her immediate family — her sons are preoccupied with their own lives, failing to help when needed. However, her sister-in-law, Amrit, and sister Ruby stand as steadfast pillars of support. While her domestic servants are often surly and neglectful, the nurse remains sweet and caring. An ex-lover further complicates her life.

The author describes the journey after diagnosis, detailing the endless tests, PET scans, chemotherapy cycles and the metastasis of the cancer that weakens her husband’s body to “a pale mask with dry, yellow teeth”. She spares no details of the pain, fear, and indignities like bed soiling and bouts of vomiting. After a short phase of remission, the cancer re-emerges with a vengeance.

Through this ordeal, Amrinder and MS develop mutual respect, sharing unexpected moments of laughter and togetherness. Amrinder realises her dependence on the man who had irked her, while MS recognises her as his sole saviour. MS emerges as a fighter, performing small heroic acts like going to work despite his sickness, never complaining, and even displaying flashes of dark humour.

As the disease progresses, Amrinder prepares herself for a future without her husband. “Life would be empty without him. It wasn’t a great love that I would miss but the set patterns of our lives, the little things we did as a couple.” The final part of the book describes her journey of “moving on” after MS’ loss, highlighting the slow healing process and reclaiming her strength after two-and-a-half years of intense caregiving.

— The writer is based in Chandigarh