To dear onion, from Santa

Alok Diwan

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Dear Onion,

Where are you? I am dying to meet you. Your absence quadrupled my work. I am getting unusual requests this season:

Paneer do Pyaazza is on the verge of extinction and wants its name changed to Paneer do Zyadaa.

Pal Dhaba self-immolated into Pal Vaishno Dhaba and requested redemption.

Shaadi.com requested adding another criterion for an ideal groom:

Smoking: No

Alcohol: No

Non-veg: No

Onion: No

Vegetable vendors want Special Protection Group (SPG) security as their onions get teased by housewives: “Piyaa-zi, bahut dino se nahi dikhe, chalo na”.

Arjun Kapoor requested to hide the fact that he has gifted 100-gm onion to Ashutosh Gowariker for the role in Panipat movie.

Climate change activists want immediate action as people are emitting more gases by consuming radish as your replacement.

Leading terrorist organisations requested a new slogan to attract more recruits:

Old slogan — “Jannat me tumhe Heer milegi”

New slogan — “Jannat me tumhe pyaaz milega”

The Archaeological Department pleads to open the mysterious door of Padmanabhaswamy Temple as they sense your presence there.

Salman Khan requested a sequel of Maine Pyar Kiya — Maine Pyaaz Khaya

Truffle, Hop shoots, Wasabi roots are seeking NREGA enrolment.

Arnab Goswami wants to complete the following dialogue for his 9 pm news:The nation wants to know

How they first attacked the union, then opinion, then the onion?

How do I handle so many requests?

Will you please break open the gates of cold storage warehouses so as to bring tears of happiness to the eyes of the needy.

Yours poorly

Santa Claus