Both men and women need to be ‘feminists’

Prem Chowdhry

Author and former Academic, Delhi University

The recent ‘Bois Locker Room’ episode in Delhi, in which an Instagram group of young school-going boys shared obscene messages, compromising allegedly the morphed images of underage girls, shocked the public. These boys, hailing from educated, socio-economically well-to-do families belonged to some of the elite schools in Delhi and the NCR. Cyber trolling, sexual threats and even rape are common, but this recent occurrence has exposed the people’s double face in which they did not expect boys of a certain class to behave in this manner. Such behaviour is generally associated with ‘others’ — the social underlings and lumpen elements in society.

However, the truth is very different. The truth is that class, social or economic status, or one’s elite educational background does not matter. What matters is how children, both male and female, are brought up at home and in the educational institutions. In both these places, gender discriminatory attitudes and behaviour in children are nurtured. As a result, the boys turn out to be as much victims of patriarchy as girls. The constant pressure on boys to be strong and tough has an adverse effect on them.

As a society striving towards achieving gender equality, it is not enough to work towards empowering the females. It is also essential to rescue boys from being trapped in toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. This outdated, troubling and harmful belief system causes an onslaught of problems for males as well as society as a whole. Words have power and terminology about masculinity can be dangerous. Over time, hearing phrases like ‘be a man’ or ‘real men don’t cry’ sinks into the subconscious. Feelings know no gender, and when we assign them as such, we do everyone a disservice. Boys who are taught to repress their feelings grow into men harbouring decades of repressed feelings. How is that possibly healthy?

It is high time we stopped calling boys names like ‘sissy’ or ‘pansy’ every time they cry or appear to be weak because there is nothing feminine about being vulnerable or scared. Trying to live up to the ‘strong man image’ is actually the biggest disservice to a boy growing up. It is only shameful if parents are using such words for their son. “Don't be such a sissy”, “you throw like a girl,” or “that’s so girlish” — all such female-based barbs, assuming a weakness in girls and women, are unfair, unwarranted, and unkind. Yet, these phrases are so ubiquitous and have been around so long that most people don’t even think much of them. Jokes that demean women also fall into this category.

If such a gender-based negativity is discussed with the boys every time we hear it, they’ll develop an instinctual aversion to anything that demeans females or encourages problematic male stereotypes.

Gendered parenting should not be restricted to the girls; it should be extended to the boys as well. Boys have to be taught to have respect for women’s bodies. When girls are told they should dress a certain way so they don’t distract/tempt/make the imaginations of boys run wild, it’s sending a message to the boys that they have no control over themselves when it comes to females. The responsibility needs to shift to the boys, teaching them that no matter how a girl dresses, her body deserves complete and total respect. Boys must be made to realise that girls’ and women’s bodies are not for male entertainment and pleasure. Toxic masculinity hurts both females and males, and it’s time we pour more energy into battling it.

The frequently heard phrase, boys will be boys, has to be dropped. This phrase overlooks and condones the worst kind of behaviour from the boys. In other words, it means that it is in the male nature to be violent, promiscuous, sexist, etc, so it’s not worth doing anything about it. This stereotype has to be rejected and the boys must be taught to reject it too. Moreover, many of our most toxic ideas about masculinity are passed down through our entertainment channels. This is troubling because the effect is that we not only receive these toxic messages, but we also enjoy getting them because of the medium.

By bringing these ideas into the conscious mind and opening them out for discussion among both males and females, we can recognise how prevalent they really are and keep them from taking root among the youngsters. This, of course, would involve open discussions around the tabooed topic of sex. The onus is on the elders in the family to initiate the talk, acknowledge the double standards that exist around sex and break the silence around the topic.

Children first learn their values from the adults they see around them, whether at home or outside. One value that must be inculcated among the boys as well as girls is the importance of consent. Many a times children are averse to being hugged or cuddled even by parents or relatives. They have full right of control over their bodies and in this, just as a boy doesn’t want to be nestled on certain occasions, so do the girls. A girl’s consent is, therefore, as important as a boy’s. Boys, raised in a traditionally male-dominated society, tend to believe that they are privileged to (mis)behave as they like. The point to assert is that everyone has value and is worthy of dignity and courtesy, whatever their sexual identity.

Teach the boys that equality is just as good for boys as it is for the girls. It allows both to reach their potential without limits being imposed on how they think or what they can be when they grow up. If we want to create an equitable society, one in which everyone can thrive, both men and women need to be ‘feminists’, as a feminist is simply someone who believes in the equality of males and females. 

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