Homing in on domestic abuse

I HAVE avoided writing about an incident that recently took place in Delhi and shook the country, not because it made me sick, but because it points to questions and problems that lie beyond it. I am talking of the horrific murder of a young girl whose partner killed her, chopped her body into small pieces, which he then disposed of across the Mehrauli forest. He bought a fridge to keep the dismembered parts, much like we keep meat and perishables in a freezer, so that the flat did not stink. I am sure you have all read of this macabre murder, so there is little that must come as a surprise now that it is almost a month since it took place.

For several days, the newspapers and television news could speak of nothing else. The grisly details of who, how and why were discussed ad nauseam as every kind of angle was explored by hysterical anchors with experts in forensic sciences and psychologists. Not to be left behind, given the inter-communal relationship of the couple, every righteous bigot jumped in with ‘I told you so’ interpretations about ‘love jihad’ and what have you. Somewhere, we all forgot that this was a young girl we were discussing, whose life was not just snuffed out by a psychopath but who was also a victim of domestic abuse. As the days went by, we learnt how she used to be regularly thrashed and hurt by her boyfriend and how she continued to believe that he would change.

Domestic violence is a subject few like to acknowledge or speak about. The irony is that even though it is mostly a woman who is at the receiving end, she is somehow made to feel that she deserves it or that she cannot name her abuser out of a misplaced sense of shame. In most cases, any abused woman, when asked how she got bruises or cuts on her face, will lie to say she banged her head or fell and hurt herself. She continues to shield her husband (most often the abuser) because she does not want to shame him!

Many have no refuge to go to, others are ‘counselled’ by their parents to keep their mouths shut as they fear what ‘society’ will say. So, these poor women (literally so, in most cases) put up with alcoholics, psychopaths, sadists and potential murderers for years for the sake of the children. What such dysfunctional homes do to the children is a matter for a separate discussion, but what it does to the self-esteem of the abused woman is what no one discusses at length.

Some work has been initiated into this problem by NGOs and the police department. There are all-women thanas for women to approach for help or shelters where they can hide from their torturers. However, these are too few and not always well-run so the state of safety that these abused women seek is never enough to make them feel safe.

We must also remember that it is not just the poor or uneducated women who are the victims of domestic abuse. I know of some women who are married into prosperous families who have the same story. Parents of such girls are reluctant to speak openly about this problem and this false sense of shame only emboldens the perpetrator. One has also heard of filmstars and high society circles where such aberrations are spoken about in hushed whispers, but no one wants to confront this nightmare for fear of being labelled.

Abusive relationships, whether marital or incestuous, exist everywhere in the world. It is just that traditional societies offer fewer sanctuaries to abused women. There is another kind of violence that doesn’t get spoken of and it is to do with domestic help. Look around and you may find that several young girls, mostly under 18, are sent to work for economic reasons or because the mother fears for her daughter’s safety at the hands of an abusive male at home. Worse is to follow when such children end up working for families where there is no compassion or concern for domestic workers. Underpaid, underfed and often the victims of sexual abuse, such girls are caught between the devil and the deep sea. Their own mothers are incapable of ensuring their safety, so what can one expect of a heartless employer?

Child trafficking is rampant in certain states that proudly claim to be on the side of their tribal population. Look deeply and you may find that young girls are kidnapped, cajoled or lured by false promises made by touts who then sell them into prostitution or for domestic work, where they are made to work like slaves. So, how does one even begin to clean up this terrible state of affairs? The answer to my mind is to give women the responsibility to suggest reform. So much was done by feminists in our generation to draw attention to the problems we faced because of an unjust, patriarchal social order. Despite the scorn of many males, women such as Betty Friedman and Germaine Greer, to name just two, saw to it that women were granted equal space and opportunities. Today, if Melinda Gates declares that it is only when women become the focus of welfare that the world will go ahead, I can only applaud and second her.