Parents, heal yourself first, sense of well-being will percolate
I am a parent of three teenagers who are 13, 17 and 19. This qualifies me for quite a few labels and laurels. It also equips me to write this column full of practical tips for hassle-free parenting. Despite nearly two decades of being dedicated to this role, I honestly feel that we are all still newbies at this game. Yet, we do have experience, and, sometimes, it is a good idea to look at one’s life from a distance and distil the scenes for some lessons. The insights get updated with the years, and it is always fun to discover how much unlearning is involved in this process. Take what you want from this column and store the rest for later. If a few things annoy you, consider that they may speak to you later. Put them aside for now.
Parents are worriers. We get uneasy if we find that we forgot to worry about random things for some time. It is true that anxiety is not all bad. We worry because we care. As writer George Saunders has written, “Worry, with a slight turn of the dial, becomes… concern. Dedication. A wish to do the thing beautifully.” Worry, really, is evidence of love. Accept this, and remind yourself not to become paralysed by doubts and the uncertainty that looms ahead of all decisions.
Be an agreeable sort of adult. Agree with the children. In the end, we have to agree with them anyway. Agree with your parents, in-laws, domestic staff. Nod away when anyone gives you free advice. It saves so much and often makes the other person understand your dissent, even though you haven’t articulated it at all. This takes emotional security to achieve. Becoming a parent is often a formula for bringing out all our insecurities. Do not take them seriously. Be patient and assenting. It often confuses everyone else and they begin to agree with you too.
Be inefficient. Don’t try to do everything yourself. Leave jigsaw puzzles on the floor, grubby hand impressions on the wall, paint boxes in the lawn and shoes in the car. Carry on with life. Small things will stay exactly where you left them last. They’ll be easier to find. Remember, no one helps the super-efficient. Every parent needs help. Most of us don’t know who to ask when we are really at the end of our tether. We confuse it with being bad at the job. On the contrary, asking for help and learning to delegate tasks is the highest form of efficiency. Practice it at home too. Be a leader. Motivate your team.
Be gentle with yourself. Take a printout of these four words and paste them on your refrigerator door. On your car’s dashboard. This is important to remember because the default setting of parents is to be too harsh and demanding, both of themselves and their unsuspecting children. Most of us have been brought up in middle-class homes where being overworked and bone-tired are seen as virtues. We deny our softer, creative, funnier side any space to come out and play when we remain obsessed with doing useful things all the time.
Be powerful. The energy you save from not being argumentative is best diverted towards finding ways to influence the world around us. All parents are required to change and challenge their world. Their stakes are so high and personal. All of us have experienced the sense of utter powerlessness that accompanies new parenthood. There is only one way out of that pit, and that is towards the light.
Being a parent is hard work. We make rules, draw boundaries and lead by example (my most un-favourite part). We stuff antibiotics down screaming throats and wipe their spittle off our sad faces. We go in the corner and wipe our tears as we hand over our little ones to nurses and teachers. It’s confusing and it takes a lifetime to figure out. Being a parent can make you a better person but it is hard work, so strategise. Bide your time. Put up your legs and read a book. Or watch videos on your phone, whatever calms your nerves. You deserve the self-care, whichever form you find it in.
Learn to tell your family what you want. Spend time in quietude discovering your needs. No one else can guess it right unless you are in touch with yourself first. Parents forget that the route to the family’s fulfilment is through their own. We cannot hide our bitterness and frustration from others. We cannot demand their happiness when we are ignoring our own dissatisfaction.
Whichever way things turn out, the credit is all yours, so stop freaking out trying to control everything. Pretend you are not there even when you are. Watch the rest of the family claim the spaces of the home and make it their own.
Be expansive. Parent new ideas, people, projects and creatures as you go along. They will fulfil all the gaps that parenting leaves empty. Give yourself everything you want for your children. Once we heal, the sense of well-being percolates through the entire family.
— The writer is a filmmaker & author
natasha.badhwar@gmail.com
