Distancing: social and domestic

Covid-19 has redesigned our personal relationships in extraordinary ways. While the lockdown has tested proximity in many a relationship, the unlockdown brought its own share of problems

Aradhika Sharma

The lockdown shrank our world. Offices and schools were shut, malls closed, travel ceased, shops shuttered and employees in formal and informal sectors were sent home. Financial stress and an environment of uncertainty loomed large. But for a few states, the lockdown has been finally lifted to what is termed the “new normal.” This ‘new normal,’ however, has left its mark on interpersonal relationships — cementing some while leaving many cracked and broken.

The effect is abiding, and relationships have changed, some forever. In some situations, it demanded that people live together with their families, while in other cases, they were required to stay apart, and for longer periods from their communities, friends and colleagues.

Too close for comfort

It’s a no-brainer that the fallout of the pandemic has upended lives around the world. Ranvijay, who is on a work visa to Canada, was laid off from his job in a restaurant in Vancouver. Says Ranvijay who belongs to Chandigarh, “All was bearable as I accepted the new pattern of life, knowing it was a matter of time before some semblance of normalcy was regained. The trying issue was that my flatmate, Barbara, with whom I used to get along with just fine before the lockdown, became morose, snappy and impatient. From a ludicrously busy life, she started suffering withdrawal symptoms due to lack of proper routine. Staying cooped in the house without access to the outside world, cancelled travel plans and a long and monotonous distance from friends and colleagues was not easy to handle.”

Eventually, Ranvijay and Barbara worked out a truce which they kept through the rest of the lockdown. “We realised that although we shared the same flat, we’d never really spent time together. Usually, one of us would be in and the other would be at work or out with friends. So, for the first time, we really talked — and listened — to each other, watched some shows together, and even cooked sometimes. As soon as the lockdown was lifted, I moved to a flat closer to my workplace. Barbara and I hang out occasionally now. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder?” he laughs.

Feeling the pinch

The crisis has brought about an enduring economic crisis resulting in the loss of jobs and livelihood. This has impacted many at monetary and psychological levels.

“Who, in our generation, ever imagined living through a pandemic? We were supposed to be the golden generation. The economy was booming, we were earning good salaries and our lifestyle comprised the frenetic schedule of working all hours, travelling, eating out, adventure sports, shopping and stuff like that. And then one fine day, it was all over. Though we are into the unlockdown phase, things are no longer the same,” says Aruna Raje, a Mumbai-based graphic designer. “The uncertainty of the times and the anxiety after my husband Vikram lost his job strained things between us. Suddenly, the roles changed and I became the sole breadwinner of the family.

“I resented this change. Even though, Vikram took on the responsibility of household work and supervising home schooling of our daughter Shaina, besides making sure that I could work undisturbed, I still didn’t feel grateful or love towards him. The sad bit is that he even has sensed this, and felt inadequate and guilty.”

“Post-lockdown, Vikram still hasn’t found a job. I’m working from home. The pandemic has scarred our relationship and it’s going to take me a long time to get comfortable with the situation,” Aruna says, sadly.

Some too near…some too far away

When we shut the doors of our living spaces, hoping to lock the dreaded virus, we also, unwillingly, locked out our friends, colleagues and neighbours. While some couples had to invent innovative ways of dealing with too much of each other, many had too little of their significant other.

“Priya and I have been working in the same company for two years. We started going out a few months back. When the lockdown was announced, she went to her parents’ house and has been working from home. Initially, we would face time or text or talk all the time but gradually communication become much less, and now it just doesn’t seem all that important any longer. I guess, if we had been together, some long-term commitment may have happened, but as of now, I’m in a good place,” says Deepak Dixit, manager, procurement, in a corporate firm.

Unfortunately, some marriages may not survive the lockdown. Just like the case of Cheryl and her husband, Murthy, who are exploring getting divorced since the lockdown opened. “He started to irk me with his demanding and messy ways,” complains Cheryl. “Catering to him, tending to the household chores without the maid, dealing with increased office work pressure was exhausting. Things became so bad between us that we were following social distancing norms even in our bedrooms. Post- lockdown, I’ve contacted a lawyer to explore the option of divorce.”

Preference for isolation

The new corona-induced realities of the loss of independence and fear of the unknown disease and death has cruelly stripped us of the confidence we had in the ‘usual’. The definition of ‘normal’ has changed with dizzying frequency.

For some, the fallout of this has been a changed relationship of the self and the society. Post-lockdown, caution has widely varying meanings for people. Whereas some are comfortable to meet in groups, go out for shopping, compromise on adequate sanitisation and not wear masks, others are bordering on paranoia in their public and private dealings, preferring to lock themselves away voluntarily.

For instance, 58-year-old Amanat Singh, who has always been quite outgoing, prefers his own (and his wife’s) company to anyone else’s. “I don’t feel like stepping out of the house.” He says. “I’ve discovered the joys of using technology, rediscovered hobbies and am more attuned to nature. I go out for a run in the morning, meet a few, select friends but would I go back to be a social person again? Doubtful! Firstly, because I’m experiencing a decreased desire for social interaction, and secondly, because I’m just too scared.”

According to Chandigarh-based Senior Consultant, Dr Ashwin Mohan, MD Psychiatry, lockdown-related behaviours will, in many cases, continue post-lockdown. “Social and work relationships, besides friendships would be impacted, firstly because of the Covid-induced fear, and secondly, because there is no mandate to pursue such relationships.”

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Paw perfect

A heart-warming effect of the lockdown has been the relationships that many have developed with street dogs. Almost every dog in any neighbourhood street seems to have a collar around his neck, a name (sometimes more than one), is given food and is petted. Suman, a student, has developed a special bond with a street dog she named Brownie. Mousy-coloured, skinny with the scraggliest tail a dog could have, Brownie adores Suman, and often accompanies her to the milk booth. She rewards him by buying him biscuits and giving him his evening meal. Besides, she makes sure that there’s always fresh water for him to drink.

There are many such dogs — Maggie, Cheeni, Blackie, Hunter, Salman. They’ve discovered that humans can be kind. Homeowners have found neighbourhood friends, who love them unconditionally, Covid or no Covid!

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When the going gets tough

As beautiful and fun staying together under lockdown may seem in the beginning, the excitement dies down with time. Here are some tips to strengthen relationships in such times:

Share work:Don’t expect only one person to do all household chores. Sharing is caring, in more ways than one. Children should be given their share of chores too. They can help in laying the table, folding clothes, brushing the dog, watering the plants, etc.

Together activities: Find shared interests like cooking together, watching movies, working out together, playing board games. Be imaginative.

Give each other some alone time: Even in a family, everyone needs some time to be alone to do their own thing, especially when proximity is forced on you.

Communicate & empathise:Listen, really listen to your partner. Hear each other out as you express your fears and worries; don’t forget to appreciate one another.

Make up after a fight: If you leave a fight for too long, things will start to fester. Remember, with your limited access to other people, you might as well make up sooner and start enjoying life again.