The Beast, up close and personal

H. Kishie Singh

The Beast! It is the US President’s Limousine. Only two exist and they drive together; one is a decoy. Each one costs over US $1.5 million. It has bullet-proof windows to withstand armour-piercing bullets. The floor is IED proof. The driver’s capability is GPS-controlled. He is specially trained for James Bond-type of extreme driving.

It has night-vision cameras in front, smoke screen guns at the rear, hidden shotguns and tear gas cannons are standard as is a fire-fighting system.

The body is five-inch thick military grade armour. The tyres are reinforced Kevlar used for bullet-proofing vests, making them puncture proof. If necessary, they can run flat.

The windows are fixed, the doors seal airtight; it is safe from chemical attacks too! Oxygen masks, aircraft-style, are provided. It can withstand a direct missile attack. A Frigidaire carries the President’s blood group, just in case…

The name is Cadillac One. Code name Stagecoach. And it is affectionately called The Beast!

“It is the world’s most luxurious tank! It can withstand any attack. It can go anywhere, over any terrain,” I was told. Aha! I thought to myself. You don’t know one type of terrain: the Indian roads!

My silent musing turned out to be right. From the airport to the Taj Mahal, the carcade had to cross a rickety old bridge. Would it support the 6.5-ton Beast? The bridge could collapse and the Beast could dive down into the ravine. Both POTUS and FLOTUS would be stranded!

Ha! They had to take a detour. The Indian roads had beaten the Beast!

We can complain about potholes. But what could have POTUS done after a day of hugs and verbal backslapping between him and PM Modi.

The American carcade included 15 cars, secret service, doctors, ambulance, electronic defence, satellite communications and, of course, the press. With PM Modi’s Range Rover, ours was a motley gaggle of Innovas with yellow number plates. Rented taxis? The total was 55 cars.

The Range Rover looked quite ordinary. I imagine it was devoid of fancy defence equipment, maybe had bullet-proof glass and body armour.

I don’t think our ‘dushman’ knows our secret weapons. Years ago, while waiting for a landslide to be cleared on the Manali-Leh road, I got talking to the officer in-charge. He was proud of his work. The road, built by the Border Roads Organisation, is an unparallel feat of engineering and a work of art. It is the world’s highest motorable road.

“Our roads are in a very poor condition, potholed and kutcha, considering the Chinese roads across the border are smooth, wide and fast for quick movement of man and military machines,” I observed.

“Let them enter India and they will not be able to move. Teach them a lesson for crossing over!” he said. So simple and so effective!

Just then his official Jeep pulled up. It had red reflectors on the radiator grill. “Sir! The Motor Vehicles Act stresses that red lights must be on the rear. You have them in front,” I said. “Aha! When we are attacking the ‘dushman’, he will see the red reflectors and think we are retreating!”

Simply brilliant!

We may not have high-tech vehicles but surely we will bamboozle the ‘dushman’.

Happy Motoring!

PS: High-tech may be fine. They forgot a urinal!