‘For 23 years, I died daily, then everything changed'

Before my marriage in February 1975, I disliked alcohol so much that I developed a strong resentment against my husband when he drank beer. However, on Holi day, I was given a glass of bhang; it is Bhole Shankar ka parshad, I was told. I liked the saroor, the kick, as I gulped down the second glass.

Soon, I started giving my husband company — just two drinks. The birth of my son and daughter gave me the freedom to drink as the family was now complete.

By 1980, I started taking a couple of drinks before my husband could join me for the evening drinking session. Soon, I discovered the afternoon peg to numb my feelings. A few years later, in Delhi, I manipulated household expenses to get liquor. The bottle took over and the family took a backseat — no emotional bonding with the husband and the kids.

In the late 1980s, the afternoon drink gave way to the morning peg to calm the overnight hangover. The kids developed a strong dislike for me since I was too drunk to celebrate their achievements.

I thought I would soon die as I was poisoning myself. To satiate my craving, I started buying liquor from the neighbourhood stores. I cared two hoots for the social stigma attached to a woman buying liquor openly. I could notice the pain in my parents’ eyes when I used to land at their place completely sozzled.

I completely lost my self-confidence. I would drink till the liquor lasted or till I passed out. The nightmare continued till 1996. My sister took me to an AA meeting which I attended to please my family, not for myself.

I, as the lone woman member, vowed never to return to AA. I lost my individuality and self-confidence and started suppressing my feelings. From 1996 to 1998, I became a 24x7 drinker. Liver cirrhosis had started setting in. Vomiting became a routine. Mental fog had set in, clouding my thinking.

A doctor pronounced liquor as being fatal for me. Ironically, I was happy since I wanted to die as I felt there was nothing worthwhile left in my life. I was sick and tired of my life. In desperation, I contacted AA in March 1998. Two women took me to a ladies’ AA meeting. Meanwhile, I consumed my quota in the washroom. That binge continued for a week though I attended meetings.

I drank till the midnight of April 3, 1998. The next day, for the first time, I attended the meeting sober, getting a standing ovation. A happy, joyous and free way of life followed, courtesy AA’s 12 Steps. AA restored my self-confidence and individuality.

For 23 years, I was dying everyday, AA gave me a new lease of life.

Initially, for about five years, the recovery was not easy as there was social stigma attached to women alcoholics. Full faith in God, AA and family support kept me on the right track though I was the lone lady member in the group. As more women alcoholics started coming in, we opened a women’s group in New Delhi to make recovery easy for the women alcoholics, who still face a variety of challenges.

Now helping still-suffering alcoholics, practising the AA programme in all my affairs and a firm belief in God keeps me sober and happy.

— Neha (name changed), sober for 27 years now