Astrologically challenged

EVER seen a crab? That horrible creature with pincer-like claws ready to pounce upon you! I once believed that such a crab existed in the heart of every person born under the zodiac sign of Cancer. This belief was the result of numerous experiences. My erstwhile boss, who had been joking a few moments before, suddenly threw files at my face. The receptionist at the club flew into a rage when I innocently asked the time by her watch. Or some of my friends who have the tendency to be irritable without the slightest provocation. A common thread ran through them all. They had uncertain moods, they were grouchy, and they were all born between June 22 and July 22. It took me a while to realise that some non-Cancerians, too, had their fair share of mood swings.

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My dread of Cancerians developed into a phobia in my early youth. When I thought of getting married, I decided that my life partner could be anybody but a Cancerian. Ultimately, I married a woman whose matriculation certificate declared her to be born in the first week of April. The first few months after marriage were spent in conjugal harmony. She fitted into my mental picture of a typical Aries girl — sentimental, generous and friendly.

Then, her grumpy moods began to surface occasionally and became more frequent later. Scenes of fireworks became common. I was confounded. An Aries woman wouldn’t behave like that, I thought.

Once, during one of our rare peaceful moments together, I dared to disclose my doubts to her. She seemed to be an astrological exception, I told her. She burst into laughter. When it subsided, she revealed the secret. The date of birth mentioned on her matriculation certificate was not correct. She was actually born on July 11.

And here I am, living with my crabby destiny for 40 years. But the situation is not as pitiable as you might imagine. I have had glimpses of the brighter side of her Cancerian personality — her rich sense of humour, infinite capacity to love and culinary skills.

Regarding the mood swings, good old Linda Goodman’s book on sun signs came to my rescue. It claims that the passing moods of Cancerians are ‘synchronised’ with the changing shape/phase of the moon. If it is a waxing phase, I can crack my bawdy jokes. But if the moon is waning, I have to be very cautious.

I fondly hope that my wife reads all this when the moon is nearest to being the perfect round ball in the sky. But only God can save me if it catches her eye in the moon’s waning phase.