Utterly, butterly, slippery stories
BUTTERFINGERS is a term often used in cricket. It refers to a terrible fielder. Sample this: The batsman hits the ball into the air. It is a ‘dolly catch’ — the fielder must only cup his fingers around the ball. Still, he makes a mess of it and drops the ball. It’s as if his fingers are greased with butter — so slippery that the ball goes in and out!
By no means are butterfingers restricted to cricket. For some of us, it is part of our DNA. Invariably, the most mouth-watering items in the refrigerator are placed farthest away from our reach. The delicacy could be kheer or mango pickle. Murphy’s law comes into play — anything that can go wrong will go wrong. ‘Butterfingers’ strikes at the most inappropriate moment. As the fingers grip the kheer bowl, the forearm grazes the glass of milk lying in front. The result is a disaster. Milk flows down the refrigerator trays like a cascading waterfall! ‘Butterfingers’ has only one reply: ‘Who kept this glass of milk in the fridge? Now look what has happened!’
Ghee has caused more havoc than any other kitchen commodity. ‘Butterfingers’ and the ghee carton are made for each other. The carton is invariably sticky and slippery. Even the safest pair of hands can fumble. ‘Butterfingers’ has no hope. He yanks the carton from the shelf, only to watch it slip and slide past the fingers helplessly. The aftermath cannot be described in words. The floor stays sticky for days on end, with the ghee’s aroma wafting in the air, despite several bouts of cleaning. It serves as a stark reminder to one and all of the damage ‘Butterfingers’ is capable of causing.
For ‘Butterfingers’, a buffet is a total no-no. The plate is filled with butter naan, shahi paneer, rice, vada, puran-poli and gulab-jamun. All he needs is a spoon to start the proceedings. He cannot wait. The left hand holds the plate. He bends and reaches for the spoon on the side table. The left hand tilts just that wee bit; the tremor is enough to trigger an avalanche. The naan and paneer, the rice and the dessert hurtle down in one enormous sweep, and before he knows, food is splattered everywhere. ‘Butterfingers’ makes a hasty exit, of course.
He/she wreaks havoc in the restroom too. Soaps are slippery things and even more so for ‘Butterfingers’. Just when we are taking a bath, and have soaped ourselves half-way, the bar flies out of the hand. It eludes the grasp and manages to fall right into the toilet. It is a strange situation — we cannot fish it out, we can neither flush it down nor ask for help. ‘Butterfingers’, peering at the soap, is naturally miffed: ‘Who designs these restrooms with the bathing area right next to the toilet?’
The last I heard, ‘Butterfingers’ was practising with a new bar of soap in the restroom — trying to take acrobatic catches like Suryakumar Yadav. Alas, the bar kept flying right over the ‘boundary line’ and he/she barely managed to avoid a fall.
