In search of the self

Namita Devidayal’s ‘Tangerine’ is a thoughtful and introspective memoir that blends personal narrative with philosophical inquiry. Known for her earlier work, ‘The Music Room’, Devidayal now turns her gaze inward, exploring the spiritual dimensions of life through Hindu philosophy, especially the ‘Upanishads’.

We meet her at a turning point: a life that looks perfect on paper but feels emotionally disconnected. Her candid reflection — “I should have been happy, but I was not” — sets the tone for a journey of self-discovery. She speaks openly about her mental state, including what she calls an “almost-depression”, and the quiet ways in which it shaped her daily life. This honesty becomes the foundation for a deeper engagement with herself and the world around her.

Initially sceptical of religion, Devidayal begins to reassess her views as she immerses herself in spiritual texts and visits places like Rishikesh and Banaras. Rather than presenting these scriptures academically, she allows their wisdom to surface naturally through lived experience. The result is a narrative that feels personal, intuitive and accessible, even to those unfamiliar with Hindu philosophy.

Themes of identity, suffering, impermanence and inner peace run through the book. She explores the tension between materialism and spirituality, not through doctrine but experience. Her approach is gentle and inclusive, inviting readers to reflect without feeling preached to.

A unique aspect of ‘Tangerine’ is its integration of Indian classical music into the spiritual journey. Music becomes a metaphor for life and a path to transcendence. The brief reappearance of Dhondubai, her music teacher from ‘The Music Room’, adds a layer of continuity.

Philosophers like Kabir, Vivekananda, Ramakrishna, Ramana Maharshi and Sri Aurobindo appear throughout the book, not as distant figures but as companions in her journey. Kabir, in particular, is affectionately described as a “ghostly bestie”, offering intuitive guidance along the way.

The book’s structure mirrors the four Vedic stages of life — brahmacharya (student), grihastha (householder), vanaprastha (forest dweller), and sanyasa (renouncer) — with chapters that reflect this progression. From Iss Par (this side) to Uss Par (the other side), the narrative moves from confusion to clarity, without ever suggesting a retreat from worldly life.

Her tone is candid and often gently humourous. She doesn’t claim expertise, instead sharing her learning process with humility. Anecdotes — like reading ‘Archie’ comics instead of memorising verses from the ‘Ram Charit Manas’ — add charm and relatability. Her playful irreverence reflects a deep yet light-hearted engagement with Indian culture.

The cover by Saurabh Garge is a lush blend of jungles, oceans, skies, the moon and lotus ponds. The book’s title, in vibrant tangerine orange, pops beautifully.

In all, ‘Tangerine’ is a compelling memoir that offers a nuanced, non-dogmatic exploration of spirituality in contemporary life. It’s a book that invites reflection, not just on philosophy, but on how we live, feel, and find meaning.

— The reviewer is a freelancer