Helicopter parenting can ruin kids

Aformer Stanford dean,   Julie Lythcott-Haimsa, noticed a disturbing trend during her decade as a dean of freshmen at Stanford University. Incoming students were brilliant and accomplished and virtually flawless, on paper. But with each year, more of them seemed incapable of taking care of themselves.  

At the same time, parents were becoming more and more involved in their children’s lives. They talked to their children multiple times a day and swooped in to personally intervene anytime something difficult happened.

From her position at one of the world’s most prestigious schools, Lythcott-Haims came to believe that mothers and fathers in affluent communities have been hobbling their children by trying so hard to make sure they succeed, and by working so diligently to protect them from disappointment and failure and hardship.

Such “overhelping” might assist children in developing impressive resumes for college admission. But it also robs them of the chance to learn who they are, what they love and how to navigate the world, Lythcott-Haims argues in her book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.

“We want so badly to help them by shepherding them from milestone to milestone and by shielding them from failure and pain. But overhelping causes harm,” she writes. “It can leave young adults without the strengths of skill, will and character that are needed to know themselves and to craft a life.”

Lythcott-Haims is one of a growing number of writers — including Jessica Lahey (The Gift of Failure) and Jennifer Senior (All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood) — who are urging stressed-out helicopter parents to breathe and loosen their grip on their children.

“Don’t call me a parenting expert,” she said in an interview. “I’m interested in humans thriving, and it turns out that overparenting is getting in the way of that.”

She cites reams of statistics on the rise of depression and other mental and emotional health problems among the nation’s young people. She has seen the effects up close: Lythcott-Haims lives in Palo Alto, Calif., a community that, following a string of suicides in the past year, has undertaken a period of soul-searching about what parents can do to stem the pressure that young people face.

Her book tour is taking her to more school auditoriums and parent groups than bookstores. She tells stories about over-involved mothers and fathers, and shares statistics about rising depression and other mental health problems in young people that she hopes will spark change in communities around the country where helicopter parents are making themselves, and their kids, miserable.

“Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of a job,” she said. “We need to know that our children have the wherewithal to get up in the morning and take care of themselves.”

So are you a helicopter parent? Here are some of Lythcott-Haims’s simple tests:

1 Check your language. “If you say ‘we’ when you mean your son or your daughter — as in, ‘We’re on the travel soccer team’ — it’s a hint to yourself that you are intertwined in a way that is unhealthy,” Lythcott-Haims said.

2Examine your interactions with other adults in your child’s life. “If you’re arguing with teachers and principals and coaches and umpires all the time, it’s a sign you’re a little too invested,” she said. “When we’re doing all the arguing, we are not teaching our kids to advocate for themselves.”

3Stop doing their homework. So how can parents help their children become self-sufficient? Teach them the skills they’ll need in real life, and give them enough leash to practice those skills on their own, Lythcott-Haims said. And have them do chores. “Chores build a sense of accountability. They build life skills and a work ethic.”

Lythcott-Haims said many parents ask how they can unilaterally deescalate in what feels like a college-admissions arms race. How can they relax about getting their child into Harvard if every other parent is going full speed ahead?

She said colleges could help tamp down on the admissions craze by going test-optional, leaving it up to students whether to submit SAT or ACT scores. And perhaps top-tier schools could agree to limit the number of such schools that each student may apply to, she said.

She urges families to think more broadly about what makes for a “good” college. There are excellent educational experiences to be had at schools that aren’t among U.S. News and World Report’s top 20, she says, and there are schools that will accept students who don’t have a perfect resume.

Parents need to see that even children who succeed in doing the impossible — getting into Stanford, or Harvard, or other elite schools — bear the scars of the admissions arms race.

“They’re breathless,” Lythcott-Haims said. “They’re brittle; they’re old before their time.” — The Independent

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Things you should never say to your children

We say things to our kids that come naturally. And often we say things that our own parents said to us. But unfortunately research has indicated that some of these simple sayings can have negative long-term effects.

Innocent sayings like "naughty boy" or "don't be stupid" can be bad for a child's self esteem because it teaches them to label themselves, explains Gregg Chapman, Psychologist and Clinical Manager at Strategic Psychology. He further adds that this may lead to a child developing poor self-concept.

Now you might be thinking, 'But my parents said this to me and I turned out fine." But as Dympna Kennedy, founder of Creating Balance, a parenting organisation that encourages parents to connect more closely with their children, points out: research and knowledge has come a long way in recent decades.

"It's not about looking back and thinking my parents did the wrong thing by me," says Dympna. "It's about looking back and saying, 'OK, they did the best they could with what knowledge they had at that time. But I now have the advantage of research and knowledge that they didn't have.'"

And that research and knowledge says we should stop saying these things to our children.

"You naughty boy/girl!"

Instead address the situation. Chapman suggests a better statement might be: "Was what you did helping or hurting? If it was hurting let's see how we could turn that around"

"How many times have I told you?"

Clearly your current approach isn't very effective. Plus, do you really expect your child to answer this question? A better option may be: "I'm upset that I'm not getting my message across to you. How do you think that you could make better choices that don't hurt you and/or others?"

"How could you do this to me? After all I do for you!"

Chapman explains that the child is not doing things out of a sense of obligation to the parent. They are acting to meet their needs and get what they want. He suggests not focusing on oneself as parent but instead helping the child understand the impact of their actions on others.

"You wait until you get home!"

As a parent you want to build a close relationship with your child but, according to Chapman, threats generate fear and insecurity and certainly don't strengthen the relationship. A better statement might be: "We will need to discuss this at home. I'd like you to think what you could do to put this right"

"Don't be Stupid."

Once again, children will label themselves as they have been taught. And negative labels such as 'stupid' do not foster a happy, healthy relationship with themselves.

"You make mummy happy when you finish dinner."

Dympna Kennedy says it is important not to teach children to do things for external praise. This teaches them to be people pleasers, which may lead to them doing things they may not want to do during their school years just to be accepted. Dympna suggests just saying "thank you" when a child does something you want them to do, or encourage internal self praise and say "you should be proud of yourself for eating all your dinner."

But it goes without saying, sometimes in the heat of the moment a situation might get the better of you and what you say isn't the best choice of words. And that's OK because it is impossible to be a perfect parent all of the time.

"It is not about being the perfect parent because children don't learn from a parent who is perfect," explains Dympna.

"They learn from a parent who makes mistakes because that shows your child it's not about being perfect but it's about reflecting and learning and trying again the next."

So the next time you go to say one of these sayings to your child, stop, reflect and try to speak to them in a way that will encourage them to become resilient, compassionate and confident.