A letter to sleep

Aradhika  Sharma

Dear Sister Sleep,

I’m writing to you to re-acquaint you with myself. Perhaps you have forgotten my existence because it has been a long time since we met. I suppose siblings do grow apart when they grow older, but estrangement such as this cannot be healthy… for me!

I admit that I was nasty to you when I was little. Whenever mama used to try and get me to meet you in the afternoons, I would try to escape to play with the dogs or romp with the street urchins. At night, when I was supposed to be cozying up with you, I was reading by the torchlight under the sheets. Now that I am mature, I realise that I was mean and neglectful. But now that I need you, it’s you that’s neglecting me and frolicking around with strangers.

You, dear sister, are getting me into some awfully embarrassing situations at work. Last week, I fell asleep in the office loo, my head resting against the facing wall. I must have taken in half an hour of zzzs and only woke up when the cleaning maid started banging on the door. And today my project leader found me snoring with my face on the keyboard of my computer. My appraisal is definitely going to be impacted. Bye-bye, raise!

BTW, I think you need to strive for greater feminist consciousness. You’re always trying to canoodle with men in an intimate way. Whether it is at airports or on bumpy bus rides, even in doctor’s waiting rooms, it’s the men who are getting their forty winks, not women! Your bias is undoubtedly towards the male gender. Look at hubby dearest, for example. He has the supreme capacity to sleep just about anytime, anywhere. Dad was also one of those people who could nod out for five minutes whenever… wherever. Last week, when I’d gone to see a film, the guy sitting next to me decided to take a power nap and decided to use my shoulder as a convenient cushion. I had to keep pushing his head off my shoulder with two fingers. Yuck!

Waise, I’ve tried all sorts of tips and tricks to lure you during the night. Someone told me to point my bed northwards. I did. That night, I tripped over its leg when I got up to pace in the dark as usual and ruptured my small toe. Then it was suggested that I should eat raw or fried onions before bed. My mouth odour kept me awake all night! I’ve tried drinking banana tea (made me barf); progressive muscle relaxation (relaxes every part except my mind), counting sheep (stopped after 5 million and thirty); non-stimulating books (a boring and frustrating exercise); taking warm baths (I’ve finished the overhead tank water).

Incidentally, sis, I don’t like that babysitter you send to substitute for yourself. What’s her name again? Oh yes, Anxiety. She makes me think about every bad decision I’ve ever taken and puts my thoughts in the loop of “All my chores, all my bills, all my insults, all my stress…” 

Exhausting! I just hope all that tossing and turning counts as exercise…