Was it a cry for attention or disillusionment in relationship which made Kshama Bindu to try out sologamy?

Mona

Want to be a bride, but not a wife? Well, sologamy might just be the thing for you. The very public act of marrying self may not be very new, but Vadodara’s Kshama Bindu brought the spotlight back on sologamy/self marriage/autogamy.

When denied by the pandit to carry out the rituals, not just she preponed the wedding date (to avoid any hassles) but also moved venue from temple to her home.

Dressed in all finery, the bride in red, along with her friends, married herself in a ceremony in which she wore chuda, tied the magalsutra to self and kissed herself in the mirror. The so called ‘Godmother of sologamy’ – Carrie Bradshaw – might have worn white while marrying self, but the emotion of the brides almost two decades apart was more or less the same.

Cry for attention

Independent, emotionally and financially, why shouldn’t girls have all the fun? Dressing up, go through the rituals, get gifts and enjoy a honeymoon when you can afford it all? Psychiatrist Dr Sachin Kaushik levels three scenarios – first, it could be a desperate cry for attention. If one is so happy with self, and needs no one, why would undergo the trouble to throw a party, go through rituals and then show it off.? Two, it could be aspirational. Lots of girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day. Dress, jewels, dance choreography to friends they would want to enjoy with – so they want the ceremony, but not commitment. Third, it could be a sologamist’s disappointment with relationship paradigm. The ceremony is not just a show off but self affirmation that “I am enough’.”

Not acceptable here

Kshama Bindu’s wedding has baffled many. Actor Jyoti Saxena finds sologamy incomprehensible. “Self-love and feminism I can understand, but this makes no sense. Rather than being alone for the rest of your life, take advantage of the opportunities that come your way to share life. I read somewhere what she said about sologamy, that it’s an inspiration to people who can’t find love. But I believe this concept will never be accepted by Indians because going by our scriptures, marriage plays such an important role in people’s lives, and marrying oneself and performing all those rituals makes no sense.”

Rituals mean something

We are born ‘solo’, so why have an elaborate wedding just to prove the truth anyway, wonders actor Vishal Kotian. “To each his own but for me marriage would always be two families coming together. Two people can be in a live-in relation, it’s accepted now. But the rituals and traditions are meant to bring two families closer, so a self-marriage isn’t really my thing.”

Value for self

Actor Guneet Sharma sees the premise though. “It makes so much sense for people who value themselves and don’t want their happiness to be dependent on anyone else. I respect it all but I would never want this for myself.” While he respects one’s personal belief, he points out at the larger outcome, “Being responsible for yourself can be the key to happiness for those who value self-care and self-love more than anything else. But again, it creates a sense of loneliness,” adds Guneet. “Considering the ugly truth behind marriages, relationships and growing divorce rates today and considering that most of the people are independent now-a-days, I do understand the decision of opting for sologamy,” says actor Iti Acharya. “We are responsible for ourselves. A relationship should never be about burdening the other person with your own responsibilities. Anyway, failure to understand each other has led to this generation adopting a concept like sologamy. As a society we have failed to make them understand the real values or meaning of togetherness, relationships and responsibilities,” she adds.

It makes sense for people who value themselves and don’t want their happiness to be dependent on anyone else. — Guneet Sharma

This concept will never be accepted by Indians because marriage plays an important role in people’s lives. — Jyoti Saxena

A relationship should never be about burdening the other person with your own responsibilities. — Iti Acharya

The rituals and traditions are meant to bring two families closer. So, a self-marriage isn’t really my thing. — Vishal Kotian

In transition

Kshama Bindu’s isn’t going to be one off case, believes sociologist Vinod Kumar Choudhary. He reasons sologamy is the result of increasing commercialisation and consumerism. “Gone are the days when one earned and supported a family of 10. First all men of the house started working and then the women. The result of capitalism is that individuals don’t just want to share their possessions but their feelings and emotions either.” He adds, “Its long-term effect on society will not be so simple.”

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