Good news, bad news

Purnima Sharma

The trailer of Ayushmann Khurrana and Sanya Malhotra-starrer Badhaai Ho has been keeping the social media hooked for the past few days. It shows how life changes not just for an elderly couple that accidentally conceives but also for their young son, who is of marriageable age. The reactions of grandmother, friends and neighbourhood are undoubtedly hilarious but these also reflect in the mindset of society. Delhi-based media professional Shikha Bhasin feels very strongly about the subject. She says, “These things look cute only in films. In real life, it is a different story,” adding, “It’s laughable when someone else is a ‘victim’. I should know because I’ve sailed in this boat.”

Bhasin remembers feeling “acutely embarrassed” when she, as a 20-year-old college student, learnt that her mother was pregnant. “My mother was in her early forties when she conceived. I remember being constantly plagued by the feeling — ‘how could they?’ That’s because we expect our parents to lead celibate lives. How will I face my friends was my concern. And because the situation wasn’t in my control, it made me generally very angry,” says the now 47-year-old. And, perhaps, that was the reason that Bhasin did not venture anywhere close to her baby sister for quite a while after her birth. “There was always this hesitation and awkwardness that changed with time,” she smiles.

The anger, Bhasin asserts, had nothing to do with sibling rivalry but stemmed more from the sniggers and snide remarks of neighbourhood aunties and even their children. “We had become the subject of latest gossip and dinner-table discussions. No wonder I would be angry and irritable all the time. How I wish someone had counselled me to look at things differently,” she says wistfully.

A private affair? Not really

Whether it was decades back or now, society continues to be as intrusive and judgmental about people’s private affairs. “No one must have the right to comment on anyone’s personal decisions,” says Dr Sandeep (Sonu) Talwar, clinical director, Southend fertility and IVF.

“Even children need to respect this and take their parents’ decisions, especially in such matters, in their stride,” she adds.

Nupur Srivastava remembers being furious when she was told by her grandmother that she’d be getting a little brother soon. “For both my sister and I, who were then in our late teens, this came as a huge shock. More so, because we just couldn’t accept that our parents, who (ostensibly) slept in separate bedrooms, could be responsible for anything like this,” says the Jaipur-based computer expert. She says she would often scream, and even plead with her mother, to get an abortion done. “What will everyone say?” was her constant refrain. Much to her dismay, her mother and grandmother only smiled in response. “I guess they were wiser. And finally, when our little brother arrived, our anger dissipated,” she smiles.

According to clinical psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh, “It is high time Indian children see their parents as normal human beings. They must understand that sex is not just meant for procreation but is a basic human need”, says Dr Chugh. He laughs giving the example of two kids he once met. “The two insisted that their parents had slept together only twice! Even educated teenagers,” Dr Chugh feels, would rather not talk about their parents’ lives between the sheets. “This is because sex is perceived as something dirty in our society.”

And with the Badhaai Ho trailer being “just a hilariously magnified version of what our society is all about, it should help change our perspection. Not just about the birds and the bees but our parents’ intimate lives too.”

When late pregnancy was a norm

Gone are the days when a woman would get pregnant around the same time as her daughter or daughter-in-law. “There was nothing awkward about it,” says Ish Chaddha, a Sonepat-based graphic designer whose sister is 23 years elder to him. “With six siblings in between, it didn’t seem odd to me, or to anyone else, because I had friends who also came from large families and had a huge gap between the eldest and the youngest siblings,” he informs.

Whether or not it was a trend back then, Sumedha Kakkar who calls herself a “late born”, confesses to always having a complex about her parents’ age. “Had the Badhaai Ho situation been a real-life one, imagine the child’s plight. Everyone would mistake the parents for his/her grandparents. And that’s not funny for any child,” says the Gurugram-based advertising executive. This, she asserts, could be a reflection of the mindset of people. “As against others’ parents who were young and smart, mine looked obviously old (not that it matters now but back then it did),” says Kakkar. She remembers being subjected to “nasty and snide comments” by some precocious schoolmates that late-borns often come with a number of health deficiencies. “This was because I often suffered from migraines and acute sciatica pains. I would feel very hurt and angry. It was like being hit below the belt,” adds the 36-year-old. And with a sister, who is elder to her by 19 years, her nieces were more like siblings. “Since all of us would play together, that’s what I thought they were,” says Kakkar. She remembers always being baffled when upon visiting her sister’s sasural, she’d be addressed as mausiji — with accent on the ji — even by grown-ups.

“It was all in jest and may sound funny now but the 10-year-old me had no clue where this was coming from. Looking back, the insensitivity of it all angers me even today.”

And it is all a consequence of people passing judgments on the actions and lives of other people, insists Dr Talwar. “How should it matter to anyone at what age a couple must have a child? If at all, it’s the doctor who should be the one advising, and that too, only because of health concerns.”

In days of delayed parenthood

As it is, the trend of women delaying motherhood — because of both personal as well as professional reasons — has been on the rise for a while, says Dr Talwar. This is true not just for first-time mothers but also for those who decide to have another child after a gap of some years. Having been too busy earlier, the latter want to experience the joys of motherhood yet again. “And I don’t see anything wrong with that,” adds the doctor. And while medical science is helping women take such decisions, doctors keep asserting that post-40 is high-risk pregnancy. “In late motherhood, one has to be extremely careful about conditions like Down Syndrome and ensure that problems such as blood pressure and diabetes are kept under check,” she informs. In any case, conceptions in couples close to 50, are generally accidental and unplanned, says Mumbai-based Dr Jalpa Bhuta, MD, MRC Psych (UK), consultant psychiatrist at Global Hospital. “Very often, couples who are past the child-bearing stage, or so they think, are certain that they will not conceive, and hence, become careless. And when the woman happens to get pregnant, she doesn’t probably even realise that until it’s too late. And the consequence is a fair amount of embarrassment not just for their own selves but also for their children — but that’s only because our society thinks the way Ayushmann Khurrana does in the film, ‘Yeh bhi koi papa-mummy ke karne ki cheez hai?’” adds Dr Bhuta.  

(Some names have been changed to protect identities)