Long Live the Generals

Saba Naqvi

Boy oh Boy, am I happy these days. As someone who is quite sick of the politicians, I must say I'm quite thrilled that our TV channels have shown them their place. I mean who the hell are politicians anyway: just some poor sods that go among the sweltering masses to win or lose an election. People who believe that India is a functioning democracy because of political parties and politicians are out of step with the times. 

Now the retired generals of India are the true role models and they should henceforth give views on everything! Finally, we can tell those Pakistanis that we have famous generals of our own and when they are not busy serving the country, they are found in our TV studios. The other day I was in a TV studio where an anchor asked a general about whether the surgical strikes will impact the UP elections. I'd imagined that the ex chief would refrain from discussing politics. But I was so wrong. He had a view that he did not hesitate to give and even if he seemed to be inclined towards the only patriotic political party in India, we know that he always puts #NationFirst. 

Ever since that day, I have decided that instead of politicians I should start drawing up plans to interview retired generals or acting ones. What a thrill it would be to interview a big strong general with medals all over his chest and ask him about what he thinks about GST and the BJP's poll prospects in 2019! 

As a journalist I am absolutely thrilled. I must confess that all those chaps in the Congress and BJP were beginning to bore me. Even the AAP guys were becoming tedious. But there's no chance of any boredom with the military chaps. They speak such good English and use lovely words like honour, valour and morale. When there's a lull in the proceedings, they say, break their jaws, smash their heads, set up a fidayeen squad of our own! Delightful. 

I'll just stop going to the headquarters of the national parties at 24 Akbar Road or 9 Ashoka Road and park myself outside Army House. I must immediately start developing contacts in Army HQ. Of course I would have to find out where HQ is located but saying the word HQ itself is quite thrilling.

I mean, let's face it: it's high time some tough military guys knocked some sense into our politicians. This does not include our honourable Raksha Mantri and Pradhan Mantri who are men of good sense anyway who know a good surgical strike when they see one, in a Ramleela or on the Line of Control. 

As a kid I must confess to being a bit of a Tom-boy who loved Asterix and commando comics and as a thinking adult thought that military chaps who organize coups in places like Fiji, Congo and Togo looked quite impressive. Reminds me of Pakistan too where I remember travelling with Nawaz Sharif and he would talk about how much he loved India and Hindi films and then a shadow would cross his face and he would mutter a complaint about HQ. Later when HQ despatched him out of the country, I realized why. Now of course, HQ has allowed him back into that terrible country, but it's just a matter of time…

Meanwhile, I'm also relieved to be relieved of what I wrongly thought is my journalistic duty to ask questions. These could include anything from how four men entered the Army camp at Uri to begin with, to whether we will be upgrading our defence budgets even as we slash allocations for public health.  

And Never Never will I ask questions about Kashmir, that beautiful place inhabited by traitors who fail to understand the benefits of permanent military presence and keep carping about AFSPA. Some people from that place still imagine we will talk to the Pakistanis and I just wish they would get their heads examined. More amazingly, the Kashmiris seem to believe that sooner or later we will have to talk to them and all I can say is High Hopes! 

In the meanwhile, if I see anyone start a sentence about namby pamby things like human rights, I will henceforth consider it my national duty to interrupt them on the grounds that I wish to protect them from committing high treason. 

Frankly, who cares about such things, right, when there is so much honour and valour to go around. 

(This is a satirical take on our times)